Things I Had Never Done Before This Year

A few days ago a fellow blogger tweeted an idea about a blog prompt :)

This prompted for me a flashing before my eyes of what this past year has been.  These past twelve months have been an awakening for me...

A year ago this month, I spent the day with my sister and had that fateful conversation that started everything.  She's been in the lifestyle for many, many years and was only too happy to introduce me to it; she was the one who recommended FetLife to me.  I returned home that evening with renewed purpose, joined FetLife and started looking around.  A whole new world opened up for me that night as I started reading through group forums greedily.  Here were real people sharing the troubles and joys, the rewards and sacrifices of being in the lifestyle!

Up until this time I had only read fiction on BDSM and while that gave me some general pointers it was by no means a thorough introduction to what it meant.  Over the next several months I talked with people I met online and learned so much.

And experienced too.  I had never imagined actually meeting people and physically interacting; I had only ever meant to watch from the sidelines.  At my first meeting with someone over coffee I was so terrified I could barely speak.

I still felt I was really only meant to be an online observer.  My personal situation just too complicated, my professional life just too busy.  By this point I had made a few friends, one of whom has been my kindred spirit in kink.  We share each other's highs and lows and help each other process the journey (and egg each other on too!).  I'd be lost without my Rider :)

I started scening on my own, trying out ideas and sensations I'd never tried or done before (and I continue to do more, this is by no means an exhaustive list!):

• masturbating with toothpaste
• masturbating with Icy Hot
• 'figging'
• 'clothespegging'
• 'fire in the hole'
• candle wax and ice cube play
• wax painting
• melted marshmallow play
• mustard play
• erotic photography (I had always hated going in front of the camera in the past)

And bondage... a huge deal/fetish for me that led me straight to my first Real Life session with a real Dom.  I am interested in all forms of bondage but particularly shibari and it was that interest that got me beyond my nervousness and allowed me to agree to that session.  Though the aftermath was devastating it was an important point along the path and has allowed me to open myself to the idea of scening with another person in Real Time.

Yes, I've come a long way in a year and done many things I'd never thought I'd do.  And the journey continues...

Sinful Sunday: Tying One On

I was playing with bondage this past week, re-tying the knots in my kirada to allow for the clit piercing and also to make the back more decorative...

I succeeded in one aim at least...

still need to re-work the crotch :p
But I have to wait for the rope impressions to fade from the last try... I had the kirada tied for more than 24 hours and some areas are still quite sensitive!





I was also playing with wrist and ankle binding using bungie cords which do a nice job and felt absolutely wonderful :)

Go see who else is being sinful here

Purity Test

Catharine did this and I became curious... always a dangerous thing! ;)

Is anyone surprised at the results?

Your Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 Score Is...
	Your Score:	Average For All Users	Average For All Bisexual Females (3899 total)
Dating	53.85%	34.58%	24.39%	Flirts mildly, then runs away
Self-Lovin'	46.97%	60.67%	51.17%	When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself
Shamelessness	70.97%	77.3%	64.36%	It takes a couple of drinks
Sex Drive	85.71%	75.04%	62.79%	The Pope is envious
Straightness	48.15%	39.43%	22.57%	Experienced, but with room to grow
Gayness	83.33%	77.52%	46.11%	Repressed, are we?
Dominant	100.00%	86.45%	77.79%	Afraid to cross at "Don't Walk" signs
Submissive	66.67%	86.7%	73.67%	Bound and gagged a few times
Fucking Sick	77.55%	89.68%	81.08%	Refreshingly normal
Total Score	71.29%	73.58%	60.27%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 and see how you match up! (By The Ferrett)

The Nature of Relationships: An Update

It's high time I addressed this here, it's been something I've been turning over in my mind for a good while and I need to put it down where I can see it instead of it being this nebulous 'thing' in my brain.  I'm talking about my relationships and my current take on them, both online (cyber) and in real time (RT).

I have stated that I am a solo act and that I am by nature monogamous.  That is true, to a point.  I have no current physical relationships with anyone, including my husband, whom I will not leave.  I have been monogamous in the sense that when I have entered into a physical relationship, it has been with one person only.  Whilst I have been asked to consider threesomes ~ and I remind the reader that I am bisexual by nature ~ I have not actually indulged in one since the mid-80s.  Not that I am at all opposed to the idea with the right dynamic, just that it has not happened.

The fact that I would even consider a physical relationship beyond my marriage has a lot to do with the first Dom I spoke with.  When I first joined FetLife I figured that I would just be listening and learning, but not doing anything.  I was reasonably content with my solo ministrations and my erotica.  After some long late night discussions, I came to understand, if not fully internalise, that I was doing myself a disservice by not having an intimate connection ~ a way to pull close to someone and drop a cover, however briefly, over the rest of the world for some private 'us' time to re-charge the batteries so to speak.

Well, that does require having another person involved doesn't it... I warred with myself for some time over the fact that that person no longer seemed to be Taz.  We still have a relationship and a marriage, yes, but it is as two friends, nothing more.  There is no spark, no romance, no sexual interaction of any kind beyond my occasional tries.  And yet, I will never leave him... he deserves to have a life partner who will be there for him even if he no longer desires the physical.

Can I tell him about all of this?  No, I don't feel I can.  The reader may disagree with me here, but truly... unless you've walked in my shoes you cannot judge me.  You cannot know what I've done, what I've been through.  You cannot know how I've tried.

So, where does this leave me?  I am not one to run out there and go for the 'one night fling.'  It is not easy for me to navigate the social scene, and I am not one for 'casual' relationships.  Yet... I cannot ask for exclusivity either, since I can't give myself 'wholly' to another.  The best I can hope for is a relationship that may last for a long time, but where I must share attention with other competing relationships, hoping that what I have to offer is enough to continue to justify the bond.  I cannot become jealous or 'needy'; I must have other outlets for that.

This isn't a 'poly' thing; my understanding of poly is that all parties know and interact with each other on some level.  I can't ever let that happen.  Couldn't bear to be in the midst of it when the inevitable conflict occurred.

Truly, it's enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and deny that I need any type of connection.  But I already know that that's not healthy nor right... and besides, too late!  I do have connections.

I have a kindred spirit in kink, a fellow sub with whom I can share everything.  Such a give-and-take is very rare and precious; I consider myself very fortunate to have this relationship.

There is an occasional connection by chat and phone with a sadistic Dom with a terrific commanding voice who can send me 'there' with a few simple commands.  He reads my blog and takes me to task for posting the pictures that I do... as much as he loves seeing them... it's a funny kind of relationship that works because I don't expect anything from it.

In both cases I need to stay sharply aware that I cannot let my heart rule my head.  I know that I cannot be the be-all and end-all for either of them; both have needs I cannot possibly satisfy.  The reverse is true as well.

Complicated, eh?

In RT... well... there've been a couple of people who've expressed interest in meeting up with me at a local Munch.  Another whom I may be meeting for coffee in a couple of weeks.  Nothing that I'm hanging my hopes ~ or my heart ~ on.  I can't afford to, and after the experiences I've had this year ~ and in the past ~ my trust in human nature is pretty damn low if not non-existent.  It's just best if I have no expectations other than hoping that I will eventually make a connection that will be the basis of a mutually beneficial relationship.

The heart?  Well, the heart will just have to fend for itself.

Freaky Follow-up

The other day I went back to my friendly neighbourhood OB/GYN surgeon (remember her?) for my six-week follow-up to get cleared for 'getting back to business', so to speak... I had started back to work full-time earlier in the week, but we wanted to be sure I was healed internally in order to allow fun things such as bike riding and penetrative activities.

After the nurse checked me in and put me in an exam room, she asked if I minded if a student joined the good doctor.  No, of course not...! so they sent the poor hapless student in to interview me first.  I was frank with my answers but kept it light; she seemed sweet and a little nervous and I didn't want to scare her.

Not yet anyway...

She eventually finished the list of questions on her clipboard and went to fetch the doctor.  I had thought they would do an ultrasound but no... just a typical pelvic exam.  The doctor checked my incision first then asked me if I minded if she guided the student through the pelvic exam.  I said that was fine, adding that they would need to be careful with the clit piercing as it was still fairly new.

Pause.

"Clit piercing??  Uuhhh, OK..."

To her credit, the student did well getting the speculum in there without incident and then the doctor described what she was looking at and finished the exam with a good probing grope with her gloved thumb.

The good news is that I am healing well, can go back to lifting and bike riding and most other strenuous activities.  Go me!!

The bad news is that I still have to hold off on penetrative vaginal intercourse until mid-September because of the way the vagina is healing.  The cervix was removed in surgery to ensure that there would be no more dysfunctional bleeding; that end was then stitched shut so takes longer to heal than when the cervix is spared.  So, all those nice fellows who have been in queue to take me hard these next couple weeks will have to re-schedule... ;)

As she was wrapping up the visit and writing the clinic note, she said, "I have to ask... how painful was it to get that clit piercing?"

The student was of course still in the room.  Ah, might as well...

"Not bad.  I mean, I scared the piercer a bit when I yelled..."

"Well, of course you would yell!! You'd think she'd be used to that."

"No, some find it quite pleasurable in fact.  Some women even orgasm during it."

Her face was priceless.  The student was impressed, I think. :)

I added, "And it was nowhere near as painful as other piercings I've had..."

Of course she had to ask, "What other piercings would those be?"

"The nips."  I grinned.  "Those were the worst going in, though I recovered pretty quickly."

She was clearly overwhelmed at this point, although she pulled herself together nicely.  The student was definitely grinning, I think her day of observation had definitely been made :)

The good doctor then brightly declared that she'd see me in a year and left with the student so I could re-clothe.  I'm sure there was chatter in the office after I left as to what I might be sporting for piercings the next time I'm in ;)

Fishnets and Heels

I have a bit of an announcement, and this is a good time too to address some things for people who have only just started following my blog.

Somewhat over a month ago, I had revealed that I was under the instruction of a Dom.  That relationship has now ended, as those who follow me on Twitter are likely aware.

I'm left with a box of fishnet and heels.

I'll not go into details.  I'm quite grateful it wasn't at all as explosive as the end of my previous D/s relationship; it was quite civil and we are still friends.  As far as the future goes... well, I should direct attention to a couple of earlier posts that are quite in full effect, and that will give you an idea of my modus operandi.  The first can be found here, and the second here.  I urge you to take the time to (re-)read them.

I'm looking forward to next Wednesday, when I should get the 'green' signal to go back to full penetrative play!  I have missed my sessions and am looking forward to going full-tilt into new experiences in the very near future :)

Piercing Netherwards

It was time.

I'd discussed it with other people for months, knew I wanted it done... the question was when.

First, some back story for those who don't know my piercing history... I refer you to an earlier post where I discuss this.  Go ahead, I'll wait... it's worth the read! ;)

*insert Jeopardy theme music here*

Back?  Good! Oh, and for the record, no one in my family is yet aware of the nip piercing.  Sad, eh? since they all still consider my tongue piercing simply an expression of a mid-life crisis, I really don't care to add fuel to the fire  ¬¬

When it became evident I was going to lose the uterus this summer, my plans gelled around getting the vertical clit hood piercing (CHP) done to mark the event.  Obviously I couldn't do it before surgery, and I needed to wait until the surgical area was relatively stable (but would still have some recovery time).  Early-to-mid-August seemed to be the perfect time.  I would be past the two weeks "Thou shalt not touch" period but would still be on restrictions barring me from work or penetrative fun for a while longer, giving me a plausible reason to 'take it easy' whilst healing.  Penetrative, you say? doesn't the piercing count??  Well, not in that way. ;)

Having done my research, I knew I had to be checked first to be sure my anatomy would support such a piercing.  I wanted to get the consult at the same time that I had the metal nip rings put back in post-surgery, but C wasn't in when I went by to do that, and then I had the week of running tech at the theatre.  It wasn't until this past Tuesday that I could get by there.  C took a look and said that not only was I of suitable anatomy for the vertical CHP but also for inner labial piercings (which WILL happen at some point in the future!)!!!

She was sick that night and didn't want to risk piercing me then, so we set up an appointment for the next evening.  I spent the day in eager anticipation, burning off nervous energy in a bike run (which I kept simple since I'm still on restriction) and playing... gently!  Finally the time drew nigh... after I got the kids set up for the evening and Twittered a bit, I headed out on my adventure.

I should explain for C and D's benefit (I told them I'd be blogging about this and gave them the URL) that whilst I would love to pimp the shop, I cannot as it would too closely pinpoint where I live... and I need to keep my 'other life' and my kink separate!  But I can display an anonymous pic of the players and the inside of the shop during a fun moment ;)

I had that same sense of anticipation that I'd had for the nips, likely because this was another of those 'zone' piercings.  I'd read that some women experience orgasm during the piercing and hoped that would be my experience.  After C set up, she called me in and I stripped from the waist down while she set up the surgical tray.  She was going to be putting in a curved barbell with the lower ball being rather larger than the upper one and warned me that I would likely have to help, to which I said, "No problem!"  Then she said, "I might need more than one set of hands..." and asked if it would be okay if D came in to assist if needed.  I grinned and again said, "No problem."

It was time to hop up on the table and get the party started.  I watched C finish preparing the tray, then scooted down to assume The Position (we ladies know The One, though in this case it was without benefit of stirrups!).  C cleaned the area, got the metal receiving tube in place under the clitoral hood, then asked me to take a deep breath.  As I let it out, she pushed the needle home, and my breath ended in a good hearty yell.  Not as bad as the nips, certainly, but I think I may have been just a tad too sensitive from the day's activities and I scared the bejeezus out of poor C!! she panicked, although her hand stayed sure and all she could say was, "Shhhhh!!" LOL

I recovered quickly, much quicker than poor C who was shaking for quite a bit afterward.  She eventually had to call D in to help her find the bottom of the bar; at one point he asked, "Are you sure this isn't bothering you? I have my finger right on your clit!!" and I warned him not to make me laugh.  The whole thing was just too funny and I kept on apologising to poor C.

Finally, bar and balls were all in place and by then my knees were shaking (I think because I had been trying so hard not to laugh)!  I got up and dressed after C showed me the finished piercing in the mirror.  She wants me to come back for pics to add to her portfolio since this came out so well! which I'm only to happy to do :)

We laughed quite a bit more as we finished up and I let them know this would definitely make the blog!  C finally got her heart rate under control and we talked about future piercings; I definitely want to do the labia at some point but I think before then we will work on a piercing that is in a less sensitive area for C's benefit ;)

So here it is... it's been fine ever since, very little bleeding and no appreciable swelling so far.  Of course it's very sensitive, can't wait to play!! and looking forward to the fun I'll have once healing is complete in a couple weeks :)

Milking Mommy

It’s time to do some heavy thinking and re-evaluating some core beliefs and values (again) as I meander along the journey of exploring kink and find what works for me.  Things I never knew, that in learning change the playing field.

Way back, I mentioned my reaction to my friend’s writing about breast stimulation as erotic play and how I needed to explore that more, as previously it had not done much for me.  I’ve since learned that had more to do with my never having taken the time to explore myself in that way, and partners not taking time to see what felt good for me.  It’s been fun, exciting, and definitely erotic to discover that I can respond this way and what works best.

In another post, I talked about breastfeeding and the joy I had doing it for all three children (and the crazy positions it put me in!).  Although I certainly enjoyed doing it and considered it a very special time of my life, I in no way considered the activity of breastfeeding to be erotic.

Truth be told, the first time my milk came in was very traumatic.  I had just lost the triplets and the nurses had warned us that my body would still respond from the birth, cruel trick of nature that it was.  Sure enough, it came in about a week later; we had escaped up to Vermont after I left the hospital in order to avoid well-meaning friends and relatives who had absolutely no clue what to say to us.  I remember us driving home, still bereft, and me begging Taz to stop at a grocery store to get frozen peas to hold over my traitor swollen breasts.

The day after we got home we stopped by the funeral parlour to pick up the babies’ ashes.  As I turned the pink-slabbed urn about in my hands to read the name plate, I could hear the ashes moving about in the interred containers, a ghostly rattle.  In a truly psychotic moment I rocked and sobbed, thinking only that if I could just rip apart the urn and spray my breast milk over the contents, the ashes would reconstitute into our babies and all would be well again.

I don’t remember how long it took for lactation to subside; it was the least of my problems as I struggled in those next dark weeks to come to terms with what had happened and move on.  One consequence of that horrible event was that I could no longer mentally tolerate the concept of vaginal birth and the images it called forth.  It remained to be seen how I dealt with the rest of the concepts dealing with my body during pregnancy, birth, and lactation.

As it turned out, I was a nervous wreck for both subsequent pregnancies even while being grateful that I could in fact be pregnant.  Both were c-sections; the first because of my mind-block which translated in failure to progress, the second because it was twins and I’d already had the first one.  But the breastfeeding went beautifully, thank goodness.

It’s been seven years since I stopped breastfeeding; I was sad to let it go and look back on that time fondly.  And I’ve thought it to be one of those doors that don’t get re-opened ever again.  Apparently I’m wrong.

I’ve been asked to consider re-starting lactation again, this time for an adult relationship.  To consider it an erotic experience.  My mind has been spinning with this and I’ve been doing some reading.

I knew it was possible for a woman to bring about lactation for an adopted child with a lot of hard work.  But I had not realised that most of the ‘wet nurses’ in historical literature had also done that, I had assumed that they were all women who had given birth and no longer needed to suckle their own child so kept the milk going to be able to provide that service for other women’s children.  Not only that, but lactation is easier to bring about than I had been led to believe (by no means easy though!).

As an erotic activity though, hmmmn.  That’s a whole new mind-set for me.  I’m not going to lie; the more I consider the idea the more intrigued I am.  I’m shocked to find it’s even turning me on a bit, given my history.

I have time to assimilate this, luckily.  Still healing here, so doing plenty of reading and thinking and trying to decide how I feel about it.  That and threesomes, which is a post for another day…

Playing Post-Surgery

I have been gratified... encouraged... frightened? by my return of libido after tossing the womb to the curb by open abdominal three weeks ago today.  Likely retaining the gonads have contributed to that, but there appears to be no slack-off of the high appetite for erotic & kinky.

Granted, for the first week or so I was way too cautious and achy to even try.  It wasn't until I weaned myself off the narcotics that I even felt a stirring of the old flame and even then it took a couple of days before I acted on it.

Then came the Friday night nearly two weeks in when the opportunity presented and the gloves came off!  Taz and Moopie headed out to NJ to catch some of her summer theatre friends in a production, leaving me with the twins.  Once I had them bedded down I had the night to myself and the toybag came out to play :)

'No penetration' was still the rule.

Remember when I asked, "What about anal?"??

Yes, I was a bit sore the next day, but happily so, and since then the urges have only become stronger.

Yesterday, I finally tied myself back into a karada for the first time since before surgery; I had been hesitant since there are knots near (though not on) the surgical site and rope passes over it.

It has been fine however, and has certainly added to the fun... the tension in the harness and the way the knots rub have kept me mindful and near the edge almost constantly.  At one point the family left the house to catch a movie and let me work on my Paper of the Week, and I could not resist grabbing some time to myself to strip down to just the karada and read erotica until I had brought myself to several rolling orgasms and was a panting mess on the floor. :)

There is also the fun of wearing the karada around with no bra, no panties... just a tank top and swim trunks... even when walking around outside.  Did I mention the constant edginess?  Yes, I'm sure I did...

Last night I curled up next to Taz for a snuggle.  His hands roamed over the rope curiously and I held my breath thinking, 'this is it!'  But sadly, no... he kept watching TV and eventually I fell asleep beside him until he woke me and kicked me upstairs.  Ah, well...

Yet Another Kinky Tweeter

Heh... my kinky work for this week is nearly done!

• I added a submission to Molly's Pussy Pride Project
• Scored another point on the Scavenger Hunt with some public wantonness
• Added not one but two new fetishes over on FetLife... muhahahaha

and last, but not least, set up a kink-based Twitter account.

I had to think long and hard about this last one... I already have a main (vanilla) Twitter and a professional one that I can barely keep track of.  What finally pushed me over was Dangerous Lilly taking a hiatus with Wanton Wednesday for the summer and I realised that having a Twitter account might be a Good Thing to keep track of the other bloggers I follow (that's how I found out that Molly is now taking up the baton for the summer).

I will be keeping my follow list limited to fellow bloggers.  My account is not locked at this point, so anyone is free to follow me (I do have a validation service enlisted to prevent robots).  Put that in your hat and tweet it ;)

Now I just have to figure out what I'm doing with my Friday night with the extra time that just dropped into my lap!

Vaginal Virtues

I'm not sure that I called it anything at all, growing up... part of that repressed childhood...

if I had to call it anything at all in the past, I referred to it in the appropriate anatomical terms... all those nurses in the family and my dad a science teacher...

even now I don't have a particular favourite term for it

I detest most of the vernacular terms... cunt, box, fuckhole, clam, beaver, muff, twat... xp

Other terms are more acceptable... snatch is fairly unassuming...

Pussy... well, you can just crack so many jokes with that... and of course there's the whole James Bond angle that always hit the mark with me... mmmmmmm...

And vajayjay... well, that might be the new favourite

I certainly didn't pay much attention to it much in my vanilla life... It was not until I got into reading... and then experimenting... that I discovered the veritable virtues of the vagina! LOL

Now I am finally able to enjoy... celebrate... and even decorate! in so many different ways.
There is much to appreciate :)

To learn more of Molly's Pussy Pride Project, go here

Back in the Kink

Yes, I'm back, and already hard at work to get back to a reasonable state of physical health and strength.  I've just never been able to sit around and watch the household try to function without me

... it's just too painful to consider, even worse than surgery!

It should not come as a surprise that even in the hospital I could find my own kink and giggle about it.  My sense of humour is one of my best allies in this situation.

'breast pocket' of my johnny

rather too literal, perhaps?

What was surprising (at least to me) is that I didn't rush to throw all of my jewelry back on after surgery.  Some pieces did go right back as soon as I became lucid: my dental plate, my dog tags, my rings.  The rest of it didn't go back for hours or even days.

My tongue ring went back in that first evening; I'd been asking about for a mirror and no one seemed able to locate one that I could use at bedside.  There were mirrors in the bathrooms of course but I wasn't allowed to get out of bed until sometime the following day.  I finally tried re-inserting the stud without a mirror and amazingly enough it was a snap to do!

I didn't even think to do earrings (in my earlobes) until a couple of days later.  After a bit of consideration, I went a bit edgier than I would probably go for work (but still quite patriotic!).  Not that I would be breaking any dress codes

just that one doesn't expect your Friendly Neighbourhood 

Nurse Consultant to be wearing these...

I'll switch back to rainbow titanium rings in all the holes (including the nips!) before I go back to work, as soon as I'm able to drive again.  AND, I plan to do a consultation at that time for my next planned piercing... which I hope will be a vertical CHP as long as my anatomy supports that.

In the meantime we'll just let this scar heal up a bit.  See, I spared you that unless you care to see that sort of thing ;)
It really doesn't look that bad as far as scars go though and I'm certainly not suffering.  I was able to stand upright right away, something I struggled with for my C-sections, so already that's progress.

The last big decision was deciding what colour to re-paint my nails, which I didn't make until today.  I'd had to strip off my usual black so that they could monitor my oxygen levels in the hospital.  Black is easiest to me for a number of reasons; easy to paint, easy to match between bottles, easy to match for outfits... et cetera.  But after long deliberation, I'm going for gold this time - with silver edging - just for a change-up while I'm 'out.'  The black will return when I'm back to work. :)

WEG

I've been grinning evilly most of the day, whenever I think of the (Thursday) morning's conversation :)
Yes, my sense of humour is quite intact and in full flair...

I had to go see the obstetrical surgeon to get papers signed for the surgery and have the procedure explained in detail so that we could get any questions or issues out of the way.  She was very apologetic as she had to do a Pap smear first as the insurance company had requested it despite all of the monitoring I've been under these past several months... we both giggled through the absurdity of it.

She sketched through what the procedure would be, a transverse abdominal incision following my C-section lines with a three-day stay in hospital, then home on restrictions for 6-8 weeks.  I will retain the ovaries so long as everything looks kosher when they go in to remove everything else.

I had just been through the section in my healthcare communication class that discussed how healthcare professionals do not bring up the sexual discussions until patients initiate it (despite the fact that it should be part of the teaching) so when she fell silent waiting for questions I knew I had to grab the bull by the horns and ask...

"So I understand the bit about six weeks with no penetration, but what about orgasms?  Am I still allowed to have those?"

She looked a little startled, but then allowed that those should be all right whenever I felt up to them.  She went on to explain about the whole six-week thing and I nodded my understanding.  Then I cocked my head and looked at her sideways.

"What about anal?"

Oh my, I think I saw colouring right to the tips of her ears... she was not expecting this in the least!!  She giggled nervously.

"Uuummmmm... I don't know.  I guess that would be fine, if you're up to it I guess go for it... though you might want to wait a few weeks..."  She was stammering now, clearly uncomfortable. I almost felt bad, but after all I'm the patient and I have the right to ask, yes?  Inquiring minds want to know...

She did have good advice for my piercings, though, as I expressed concern about having to have them out for a three-day period under the restrictions as they were stated.  She let me know that plastic/acrylic posts would be all right to have in, and so I need to hunt some down for the nip rings and the upper ears (the tongue and the earlobes I can re-fit myself afterwards, it was the captive beads I was concerned about).  I'll be paying a trip to the piercing salon in the coming week for a change-over.

Revelations

Snoopy Happy Dance

I'm going to be getting the house to myself before surgery after all!!!!  Oh joy ;)

As it happens, Taz has to go pick up our eldest from summer theatre camp out-of-state in two weeks and he plans on bringing the other two because one of his many cousins is having a baby shower that weekend.  I was invited too... I had put the invitation one side when it arrived because I wasn't sure if I would not already be indisposed by that point, and then forgot about it.  But now... the party is literally the day before the surgery and I have no wish to be in a house full of loud relatives that day if I can possibly avoid it.

It was rather uncomfortable bringing this up because... as I had mentioned... I had not yet told Taz that this was going to happen... and I was not looking forward to his reaction...

Yes, he really looks like that!! hence the nickname...

Anyway, his mother had called about that weekend and reminded him again about the shower whilst I was sitting across the room folding laundry.  I didn't say anything then as they discussed plans but I knew I couldn't put it off any longer and as soon as he hung up I told him we needed to talk.

It was quick and blunt... I didn't go into a lot of detail and told him it was not a subject for discussion, especially with family.  He didn't get loud but was starting to get righteously indignant, how could I not tell him things like this? and then... I said that such things did not come easily to the tongue when we had not been intimate in over two years.

He was thunderstruck.  Yeah, kind of like that.  He actually stopped in his tracks and asked, "Has it been that long??!"  It was quite evident he had lost track...

So yes, a bit awkward.  And I'm fairly sure that topic's not closed.  But we didn't get into it... we discussed a couple of practical scheduling details then snuggled together on the couch for awhile.

To return to my glee at the top of this post, though, I am thrilled that I will get to scene one more time right before I have to go under the knife... I can't think of anything more fun! and to be able to sift through pics the night before surgery (and perhaps do a post!) will do wonders for my psyche :)

Any guesses as to what I'll be indulging myself with??

Bloody Hell

Oh my! such language for a sweet, innocent Dragon such as myself…

Actually it more accurately describes the situation I have found myself to be in these past several months, a situation I hope will be resolved soon.  It started off with a bang and has gained momentum over time, to the point where fairly drastic action is to be taken.

For those who get squicked out at the sight or mention of blood, this is your cue to move along – nothing to see here ;)

La la la

I make it a point not to complain about aches and pains, or to discuss personal health history in any great detail.  Whilst I have talked about the infertility issues, it was with regard to my sexual history and their effect on it.  I have gone out of my way not to discuss the current issue other than an occasional frustrated comment; I discuss it more fully at this time because of the steps I am now taking, the fact that I have literally no one I can talk to in real time about this and I am very much in need of catharsis, and the fact that it will most definitely directly impact my sexual activity for the immediate future (though I pray not in the long-term).

I’ve made mention before of my monthly cycle being off-kilter.  In chronological years, one would predict that I’m close to menopause.  One would expect that that would bring hormonal changes, perhaps a drop in libido, the ‘flow’ times would get fewer and farther between, et cetera.

In my case, it has been quite the opposite.  I ended up in the ED late last year with heavy bleeding (gushes, really) passing huge clots and ‘greying out’ a bit when I stood up.  Turns out I was quite anaemic, within a hair’s breadth of needing a transfusion, and so mass doses of iron were added daily.  Hormone medication to try to stop the bleeding was unsuccessful and I ended up in the operating room for dilation and curettage.  Flow was back a month later, started staying longer, and started coming back every two weeks.  I was experiencing wild mood swings from the hormonal storm going on and my libido has been off the charts.  The nice doctor hasn’t appeared concerned about the bleeding et cetera at all, but has been following a cyst that was found when I went to the ED and so I’ve been tracked for that every couple of months.

The ‘flow’ was mercifully absent the day I had my real live session with a Dom back in mid-April.  It re-visited the very next day, and like some terrible houseguest it stayed for two months solid.  Full on.  When the clots started passing again along about week four, I told the nice doctor I really felt we needed to do something (she was trying to ‘wait it out’, telling me I must be close to that magical Menopause, if I could just hold on!).  We discussed a few options; because of peculiarities in my anatomy certain lesser procedures are off the table for me, so really a hysterectomy would be the only fix.  We agreed to wait until the next follow-up to speak further.

Wouldn’t you know, shortly before the next follow-up, the bleeding finally petered out and stopped.  Having just been through bloody hell, however, and seeing it only get worse each time, I was quite ready to discuss getting the hysterectomy done.  I just can’t keep going like this.

The nice doctor, seeing that the bleeding had stopped and that the cyst has been behaving, was all for another period of ‘wait-and-see’.  Hell, no!! I quickly disabused her of that notion, and we talked more about what would need to be done.  She reviewed the lesser options again and why they were not appropriate for me, then we started to talk about what having a hysterectomy would entail.  Because of the fact that all of the kids were delivered by C-section (well, the triplets weren’t but they weren’t big enough to stretch me apparently), I am not a candidate for the vaginal approach.  Further, because of my abdominal surgical history, I am not a candidate for laparoscopy as far as this procedure is concerned.  Therefore, it is to be an open abdominal affair, which adds weeks to the recovery time; they need to take the cervix to ensure that there is no more chance of dysfunctional bleeding, but can likely leave at least one if not both ovaries behind.

I will likely be several days in the hospital and then home for several weeks.  No activities involving penetration for six weeks or more (I need to clarify whether I’m still allowed to orgasm in that time frame! can’t imagine going six weeks without that!!).

I’m not concerned about ‘being neutered.’  For me, that ship sailed a long time ago, I’ve dealt with that emotional roller coaster and do not feel as less than a woman simply because I cannot procreate.  I am concerned about my libido… whilst I can do without the hormonal storm I’ve had these past several months, I don’t want to totally lose the drive either.  Hopefully I can indeed retain at least one ovary.

The prospect of yet another surgical procedure doesn’t scare me.  I’ve had enough procedures in the past that I know what to expect as far as all that goes.

I have not been able to discuss it with anyone.  No one in my family knows.  Hell, Taz doesn’t know.  This was for a couple reasons, really.  He tends to tell his family everything and I did not wish to become a topic of discussion, have to hear of others’ past experiences, and have to answer direct questions about it.  The other reason is that he has had no interest in what goes on between my legs in so long, I felt no need to broach the subject even were I not concerned about prying questions.

Obviously, I need to let on fairly soon because it will affect the family schedule.  Not looking forward to that conversation.

The date for surgery has been set for mid-July.  This blog will likely go dark for a week in there; not sure if I will pre-schedule any posts to run in my absence or not.

I would dearly love to have the house to myself to be able to do some real scening with all my favourite sensation toys before I’m on enforced restriction, but it’s not looking good for that.  My ears actually perked up when Taz mentioned having to bring one of the kids to NJ for camp this coming weekend; I thought maybe he’d take the crew and make a weekend of it but he opted to just take a day trip and leave the other two back. *sigh*

 I've been doing some little playing at night, though it's been rough being so bloody tired (there! that was an epithet, I submit to spanking now LOL).  These past couple weeks I've had fun playing with the camera and I'll likely do more of that in the coming weeks; it feels naughty to sneak around downstairs after the kids have gone to bed and set up scenes for photography.

Glass half-full... and yes, catharsis works!!

Having a Naughty Nurse

I've been away at a nurses convention for my specialty... I'm actually still there... but through the magic of Blogger I can schedule posts to spread through my 'time away'.  I had to specially add this one though, because I've been a naughty nurse...

I spent most of the first day at the conference tied in a karada (shibari body harness) underneath my clothes.  Then as if that was not naughty enough, that evening I went with a group of nurses to a featured microbrewery in the city where we're staying... and got this...

It's an amber ale - yes I had a couple of those with dinner - and it also seems to be 'The Logo' for the restaurant... so of course I HAD to get the tee shirt!! :)

Then yesterday I stopped in the sundries shop to pick up some ibuprofen and ran across this... and HAD to get it... LOL

We'll have to see what else I can get into here... we seem to be a fairly rowdy bunch LOL