Milking Mommy

It’s time to do some heavy thinking and re-evaluating some core beliefs and values (again) as I meander along the journey of exploring kink and find what works for me.  Things I never knew, that in learning change the playing field.

Way back, I mentioned my reaction to my friend’s writing about breast stimulation as erotic play and how I needed to explore that more, as previously it had not done much for me.  I’ve since learned that had more to do with my never having taken the time to explore myself in that way, and partners not taking time to see what felt good for me.  It’s been fun, exciting, and definitely erotic to discover that I can respond this way and what works best.

In another post, I talked about breastfeeding and the joy I had doing it for all three children (and the crazy positions it put me in!).  Although I certainly enjoyed doing it and considered it a very special time of my life, I in no way considered the activity of breastfeeding to be erotic.

Truth be told, the first time my milk came in was very traumatic.  I had just lost the triplets and the nurses had warned us that my body would still respond from the birth, cruel trick of nature that it was.  Sure enough, it came in about a week later; we had escaped up to Vermont after I left the hospital in order to avoid well-meaning friends and relatives who had absolutely no clue what to say to us.  I remember us driving home, still bereft, and me begging Taz to stop at a grocery store to get frozen peas to hold over my traitor swollen breasts.

The day after we got home we stopped by the funeral parlour to pick up the babies’ ashes.  As I turned the pink-slabbed urn about in my hands to read the name plate, I could hear the ashes moving about in the interred containers, a ghostly rattle.  In a truly psychotic moment I rocked and sobbed, thinking only that if I could just rip apart the urn and spray my breast milk over the contents, the ashes would reconstitute into our babies and all would be well again.

I don’t remember how long it took for lactation to subside; it was the least of my problems as I struggled in those next dark weeks to come to terms with what had happened and move on.  One consequence of that horrible event was that I could no longer mentally tolerate the concept of vaginal birth and the images it called forth.  It remained to be seen how I dealt with the rest of the concepts dealing with my body during pregnancy, birth, and lactation.

As it turned out, I was a nervous wreck for both subsequent pregnancies even while being grateful that I could in fact be pregnant.  Both were c-sections; the first because of my mind-block which translated in failure to progress, the second because it was twins and I’d already had the first one.  But the breastfeeding went beautifully, thank goodness.

It’s been seven years since I stopped breastfeeding; I was sad to let it go and look back on that time fondly.  And I’ve thought it to be one of those doors that don’t get re-opened ever again.  Apparently I’m wrong.

I’ve been asked to consider re-starting lactation again, this time for an adult relationship.  To consider it an erotic experience.  My mind has been spinning with this and I’ve been doing some reading.

I knew it was possible for a woman to bring about lactation for an adopted child with a lot of hard work.  But I had not realised that most of the ‘wet nurses’ in historical literature had also done that, I had assumed that they were all women who had given birth and no longer needed to suckle their own child so kept the milk going to be able to provide that service for other women’s children.  Not only that, but lactation is easier to bring about than I had been led to believe (by no means easy though!).

As an erotic activity though, hmmmn.  That’s a whole new mind-set for me.  I’m not going to lie; the more I consider the idea the more intrigued I am.  I’m shocked to find it’s even turning me on a bit, given my history.

I have time to assimilate this, luckily.  Still healing here, so doing plenty of reading and thinking and trying to decide how I feel about it.  That and threesomes, which is a post for another day…