Shaking the Sieve

In making sense of the past week or so, I’ve taken to ‘shaking the sieve’ to see if I can find flashes of gold amidst the gravel.  What can I learn, what is my take-away from all of this?

Words… perceptions… can create powerful images.  And can become powder kegs in certain situations.  I’m still reeling and reacting negatively to a volatile situation touched off by a post on this blog over two weeks ago, though I realise it is not my problem and I just need to move on.  I do regret taking the post down, though, as it represented a landmark that meant a great deal to me, that of actually scening with another person in the flesh showing me the ropes as it were.

Abandoning real-time scening for the time being, I’ve been talking to several people.  One of these conversations has turned into online slave training with a Dom; he’s working with several women at the same time so I can learn protocol and the ins and out of online domination at a relaxed pace.  Still I’ve managed to get in trouble; I quipped at one point about being a pincushion for needles, meaning that when I do training at my job for blood testing I allow my students to have a stab at me if they are too squicked out to do it to themselves or each other.  He took it to mean I had my own supply and did it to myself regularly, and so when he called for it in a recent session I was unprepared and became unsafe.  It went very wrong very quickly and taught me some important lessons in safety and communication.  I’ve since picked up a safe supply of play sharps...

…and I should express (again) my motivations for playing with sharp things. It’s not generally pleasure I seek (though I suppose it’s there and I’ll make that connection eventually – I experienced some of that when I got the nips pierced) so much as release. With very few exceptions, I don’t tend to share my feelings with anyone on the day-to-day – they stay bottled. Every so once in a while it gets to be overwhelming, and I prefer to self-direct the negative energy or channel it into an activity instead of taking it out on someone. Dark, I know, but it’s just another facet of me.


So… I do indeed have the house to myself this weekend; Taz and the kids went off for a family event in NY.  Of course the reason I stayed behind is that I’m working this weekend, besides having the inevitable paper due… but it doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun while I’m at it.  Tonight I’ve brought the toy bag down to the living room, and I’ve already had a nice session with fire in the hole (specifically requested by the online Dom) to which I also added ice and as much hot wax as I could pour down the hole :)

Also did some general wax pouring…

And the night’s not over yet… nor is the weekend!!

Pardon Me, Your Geek is Showing…

I had a perfectly atrocious day at work today where my faith in human nature regarding people I work with fell well below naught... and then received personally bad - though not unexpected - news at the end of the day.  My sense of humour has since rallied to my rescue however and as I stood stirring up dinner this post just came to me...


For those in my readership who've never attended science fiction conventions in the past, this practice is known as filking... setting other words and themes to well-known tunes.  Even before I ever attended one of those, however, I was singing the twisted lyrics of MAD Magazine musicals back when they covered the classics and I can still fondly remember old chestnuts like, "I'm a Doctor Out in Space," "What Do You Get When You Fly Through Space?" and "Dough Means Cash (For All of Us)."  Inspired deviance...


...and so I give you

The Perfect Master (with apologies to all associated with Mary Poppins)

Wanted: a Master for a mischievous Dragon

[Sung]
If you want this choice position
Have a commanding disposition
Tight cheeks, tented shorts!
Play ‘games’, all sorts

You must be kind, you must be witty
Very stern and fairly gritty
Take me to Munches, give me treats
Plan scenes, bring cleats

Always be hard and cruel
Never give me gags, breath play, or stool
Love me as a committed thrall
And keep me tied against the wall

If You will scold and Dominate me
I will never give you cause to hate me
I won't pinch your testicles 
So you can't pee
Leave wet spots in your bed 
Or bad memories of me
Hurry, Master!
Many thanks
Sincerely, 

The Dragon needing spanks!

Kinky Diversions

It has been a stimulating week.


And that may well be the understatement of the year.


My head's been swimming with the intense conversations, the 'firsts', the fair bit of drama that has nothing to do with the stage... and when I can sort it all out enough for it to make proper sense, I shall.  The writing will definitely be cathartic...


In the meantime, a bit more diversion never hurts  :) ... some more writings of the Dragon to end the week...

You lower me gently to the sweet earth
And lower your mouth to my sweet sex
I have no words for the sensation that overtakes me as my love uses his mouth, teeth, and very talented tongue on my trembling flesh
Trying so hard not to buck against him as the feeling builds
Aaaaaaahh, what you do to me...
My fingers twine through your hair as I hold you to me
I want to be gentle but fear I may be rough in the throes of ecstasy
When at last I cum it seems to go on forever, in waves
I cry out your name
Gasping for breath, I pull at you to come up my body
Kiss you, tasting me in your mouth, savouring the essence
The kiss deepens, the passion flames
Still kissing, you enter me
Driving with an intensity, the need to go ever deeper
To pierce my soul
As our breathing turns ragged we can no longer hold the kiss but our lips stay in contact
We whisper encouragements to each other
Endearments to souls shared
Taking us ever higher... tighter... harder, faster...
Until we tumble together into the sweet abyss

Caveat emptor

Since my readership is apparently far wider than those actually brave enough (foolish enough?) to publicly subscribe, I feel the need to make myself very plain here.

I am a solo experimenter, using this blog to chronicle my journey in this lifestyle.  It appears to be a given that I am a full-time student in the School of Hard Knocks, but so be it; any pain that comes from this journey is welcome as a lesson learnt.  It should be my pain, though... no one else’s.  I blog on my experiences, impressions, and landmarks on the journey; I do not mention names or places.  I may link to another blog but only if I have been mentioned there first.  I may describe certain activities but they are heavily edited to reflect only my impressions.  I may provide pictures, but again no reference points.  I have too much at stake in my other life, as do those with whom I choose to interact; discretion is everything.

Let me repeat: I am solo, unowned, and I do not see that changing any time in the near future.  I am happy to talk, ask questions, and explore… but my trust of relationship dynamics and faith in human nature are both fairly close to naught.  Yes, I have some irons in the fire, but the flame is by needs kept low.  I warm up only slowly; if any of those with whom I interact have a problem with that it is their own.  Feel free to move on and don’t let the door slap you on the arse on the way out…

I identify as submissive, but that does not mean carte blanche any more than the fact that I am bisexual does.  It is meant for the right dynamic only and I am still very much on the fence about what that means for me.  My guard is up and I am learning as I go… it’s a process.  I refer you to the previous paragraph; rinse and repeat.

Online relationships are only somewhat easier than real time, I am finding, and it is time for me to speak on my limits there too.  No real name, no direct physical address.  No cam.  No exceptions.  I have several different Facebook accounts (my life is that compartmentalised, yes) and whilst I have added a couple of online contacts to one of them the account is highly secured.  I reserve the right to safeword.  I have deleted and blocked people in the past who have tried to force past my objections and will not hesitate to do so again.  I refer you to the two previous paragraphs…

Bottom line? this is meant to be an adventure.  It is meant to be fun, to bring smiles, to learn and to grow.  When it stops being any of that, it is no longer worth doing.  I am not in this for the cheap shot, the quick gratification, or to be anything less than who I am.  Worth getting to know, I think, but caveat emptor… not an easy commitment.

Fire in The Hole

I fell onto concrete the other evening, taking out both knees and one hip which is about par for the course with me; I’ll be caning it (albeit not in the fun kink sense of the word!) for the next however long… it doesn’t stop me from playing, however.  Taz went out of town on Friday for the weekend and whilst I was too tired and sore to play that night I happily hauled out the toy bag last night for a go.  The kids stayed back with me this time so I couldn’t set up in the living room as in previous play sessions but the master bedroom door was locked and I was careful to stay fairly quiet.

I was in the mood for some intense sensations and wanted to abuse myself a bit.  Among some recent acquisitions for the toy bag I had picked up some liquid liniment rather cheaply and thought that I would try it on the labia first before perhaps going deep with it as lube for a dildo.  I tried it and it was indeed strong for maybe thirty seconds… but not as intense as the mint toothpaste nor the menthol nor the icy hot by any stretch, and I felt it would not give me the ‘fire in the hole’ I was looking for.

I was playing back and forth between my favourite vibrating dildo and the Hitachi by this point (and also had the ben wa balls in with a silver bullet tucked beside them), working with staying on my back for all of this and building up the nerve to go with the icy hot.  Menthol rub came first, spread liberally all around and I played with that for a good bit before finally hopping up to get the icy hot.

A tiny dab’ll do ya.  I went with that at first and gamely shoved the dildo home; within minute or two it produced a very nice response, indeed I nearly passed out as I came with very little effort on my part considering I was in a non-preferred position.  After a bit of a rest I decided to give it another go; this time I used substantially more…

Fire in the hole, indeed.  And another good response.  Really no pain to it, surprisingly enough; for me it was just a gentle warmth with a feeling of pressure (swelling perhaps?).  YMMV… or should I say, “Don’t try this at home, folks!”?  I do tend to go where angels fear to tread in terms of sensation play…

I have one more recent acquisition which I plan to try out the next time I have the house to myself, which may happen at the end of this month.  It’s rather small, so I don’t see it as being a replacement for the candles so much as an adjunct; if I could find the baking paraffin in quantity the way I used to be able to I would get a crock pot for the purpose but this will be good to play with for now.

If anyone does know where I can lay hands on a large supply of plain paraffin, sing out! a Dragon would be indeed grateful…

Waxing Erotic

You lie naked on a towel spread over a thin plastic sheet on the floor, hands tied over your head to a nearby table, ankles bound

You are warm but a shiver runs through you as you watch me lighting jar candles and setting them on a metal tray on the floor beside a bin of ice cubes

I pick up a white taper and grin mischievously as I light it

Pick up an ice cube and run it gently over a nipple until it hardens

Hold the candle over it and let it drip

A kiss of fire followed by a kiss of ice

I do the same to the other nipple, murmuring encouragements

Go back and forth until your nipples are encased in wax

I run an ice cube down the center of your chest down, down to your navel, circle it

Drip wax down the length of the icy swath

Place an ice cube on your navel and drip wax over it, trapping it to your body

The warm wax hardens instantly over it, holding it in place

The jar candles are ready now

You tremble as I pick one up and tilt it over your skin

It pours gently over the ice cube, warms it and melts it

You feel the trickle against your skin

Swiftly I pass ice down through your groin area

Followed quickly by warm wax

It doesn't burn

A deliciously warm, thick, trickling sensation pouring over your shaft and between your thighs

Are you tingling yet?

Jar by jar I pour, targeting different areas, coating your shaft, your sac, your belly

Until the jars are done

I rub ice over the wax to harden it

Blow out the candles

Peel the wax carefully from your nipples, gently kiss them, they are so responsive, so sensitive

Peel down to your belly, kissing all the way

Carefully, carefully remove the wax from your length and balls

You are hard for me beneath the wax

My lips brush along your length gently

My tongue runs carefully over the tip

You are sensitive to my touch

Helpless to my will

As I take you fully into my mouth, sucking gently...

Kink Meme Part the Third

"Be very careful what you ask for."


As a relative neophyte to this lifestyle, I'm still on a huge learning curve.  Part of that is learning to ask for what I want, something I never felt I could do before.  And of learning what that means...


I suspect I'm going to get quite a lesson in the near future.  In amidst the healthy dose of 'omigosh, what am I getting myself into?!' is quite a bit of excitement.  We shall see...


On to the last installment of my 'Three Days of Kink' :)

Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
I’m not sure I could pick just one… I have several such themed books that I have read several times over, some of which are in series.  For instance, there are five excellent books in the Deviations series by Chris Owen & Jodi Payne, 911 by Chris Owen, Bareback by Chris Owen, The Forbidden Room and A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan by J. P. Barnaby… and so many more by these wonderful authors :)

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
Trust and communication, same as for vanilla relationships.  And something that is different: a safeword means what it says.  If either you have no respect for limits you will eventually endanger the relationship, as it will erode trust (if not cause it to vanish rather quickly).

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I’ve always had a dark sense of humour, which has only become sharper and more deviant the more I journey along in the exploration of kink.  It’s been great fun exploring sensation play and gathering toys for that.  I’ve learned new ways of relating to people and while I’m still shy I’m far from the girl who had to use ‘saying hi’ as a euphemism for having sex.

What qualities do you look for in a partner?
This gets sticky.  My husband is my life partner and I have no wish to leave him.  However, his libido is entirely absent and he sees no problem with this, despite everything I’ve tried.  As much as I try to channel my sexual energy into other ‘appropriate’ channels, my libido is a huge problem and I am truly afraid of having it build and be expressed in an inappropriate manner.  I’m trying to find acceptable alternatives which may well include, for lack of better descriptors, a long-term fuck buddy.  Such a person would need to be a friend first; while I wouldn’t be requiring fidelity as that would be hypocritical I would still need a healthy level of trust that this person would be looking at the relationship seriously.

How open are you about your kinks?
I don’t tend to ‘lay down my hand’ all at once… you have to get to know me over time to learn what I’m about, and even then there are things I will keep to myself.  I will joke about elements of kink to those not in the lifestyle, but they really have no idea of what I’m into, even if they are close in other ways.

What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Love it, even though I’ve had some scares.  It’s a relatively safe way to learn if you might be ‘into’ something by exploring it with another person who is hopefully giving you good feedback.

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
In my use of innuendo and double entendre, yes most definitely.  I've also been able to incorporate my love of science fiction and fantasy.  And it’s probably no mistake that I love rope and rock climbing…

How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
For my solo sessions, I tend to strip down to an a-shirt and enjoy applying a karada (simple shibari body harness), which feels good to apply and even better to wear :)

Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I am very sensitive to names and labels; it can make or break my mojo.  There are titles I would prefer not to hear except in perhaps a limited sense for a specific scene.  Not every sub cares to hear “whore,” “bitch,” “cunt,” or “slut” as a regular form of address.  It’s another reason to get to know me before just assuming… not that I would ever presume to dictate what someone should call me.

Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about…

Well, as a matter of fact, I do like to write erotica.  I’ve even been told I’m good at it.  A good friend and I have been weaving some sensual tales together; he’s on hiatus now and so to keep my creative kink going I’ll be writing some things on my own.  Stay tuned to this space!

Kink Meme Part the Second

Yep, it's Monday and shortly I'm going to be flying on coffee rather than on performance highs... such is the life of a busy professional.  I'm really really missing being able to engage in sensation play other than rather limited, quick things I try on the fly.  However, I'm given to understand I may have the house to myself towards the end of the month, so I'm hanging on for that!!

What are your views on the ethics of kink?

What goes on between consenting adults is their own business and they should not be penalised for it so long as it does not involve minors, those who cannot give consent, nor unwarranted trauma to the participants (by that latter qualification I mean any activity that is not consented to by the receiver and causes lasting damage).  Safe, Sane, and Consensual are very big with me; I will not go into a situation where I do not have a significant level of trust of the other party(ies) involved.

Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I have a very active sense of humour and use a lot of puns and double entendres… the world of kink is very ripe for that.  Running gags are big with me; once I’ve established a joke or a line with someone I’ll continue to subtly bring it up from time to time in a variety of contexts.  My theatre comrades almost invariably make excellent targets… for instance, I found that one of my directors would get absolutely squicked out when I licked my lips in her direction, so I continue to find instances where she is trapped and cannot look away as I lasciviously lick my lips at her… yes, I am evil and merciless!!

Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
It makes me sit up and pay attention, it heightens my response, it provides a release I never got by ‘regular means’ or through vanilla sexual intercourse… it scratches certain itches I wasn’t tuned into previously, if that makes any sense.

How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
As much as you can imagine something, there’s something about it being right in front of you with the atmosphere, sensations, and experience tangible that brings it home.  I have a very vivid imagination, but it still does not compare to the (very limited) real experiences I have had.

Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
Suspension bondage.  That’s something that’s really rather hard to do to oneself safely though.

What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Having to be so circumspect and discreet about it.  My family (with the notable exception of my sister, who introduced me to FetLife!) has no idea what I do and to what extent.

What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

We are not defined by our sexual practices/proclivities… they are simply an aspect of who we are.  I am no danger to others simply because I am bisexual or enjoy certain activities.
 

Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
 Guys who assume that because a girl lists herself as submissive, she’s fair game to immediately ‘dominate’ (demand things, show disrespect/no regard for her person, assume a relationship or unwarranted familiarity).

Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

 I’ve discovered things about myself I never knew, met some wonderful people, and have some good friends as a result.


Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
I understand the physiology behind the pain-pleasure response and have experienced aspects of it, but know I still have a ways to go in fully grokking it.  It seems counter-intuitive to me to be able to climax with something that is causing great pain or discomfort to my person.  

More tomorrow...

Kink Meme Part One

I'm riding a performance high again, with nothing to do for it... I'm still madly catching up with schoolwork after a busy Tech Week that was also the start of Spring extracurriculars for the kids, and I don't have the house to myself, so I can't go wild scening with my Toy Bag :(


But... I can break out my wild shoes... yes, I do wear these about!!  I am, after all, ageless and shameless ;)

So... I was made aware of a meme that's been making a round of the blogs... and being a lemming of the first order, I'm jumping in with my answers to what has been '30 Days of Kink' elsewhere.  For me, it'll be three; I'll post the first ten questions today, the second ten tomorrow, and the rest hopefully the day after...

Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

This is taken straight from my profile on FetLife:

"Life is too short to be bored"

"The day you stop learning is the day you stop living, and merely exist"

"Success is doing what you love, and loving what you do"

Those are the three maxims I tend to live by, and I have difficulty with 'down' time... I'm a performer (singing, acting), a writer, a student, a Mommy, and a total geek. I'm also in the medical field, so I have a really good grasp of anatomy ;)... LOL...

I'm still fairly new to the scene... at the moment, I'm a solo experimenter of sensation play and a steady consumer of erotic fiction. My tastes run to slash fiction (usually m/m) and BDSM (mostly bondage and D/s). I am always interested in learning more from others in like situations... listening, talking it out, gaining perspective as I'm beginning to learn what I like and want.

List your kinks.

This is by no means an exhaustive list… I’m learning as I delve.

Sensation play, candle wax, shibari, self-bondage, knife play, piercings, mutual masturbation, cross dressing… I’m sure others will come with time…

How did you discover you were kinky?

When my sex life went to naught, I turned to reading to relieve the tension.  Through my readings of erotica, I realised I responded more strongly when the stories were BDSM-themed.  I found a checklist of BDSM activities and in doing further reading and research I started to discover how turned on I was by several of the items, prompting me into further exploration.

Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Yes, a few.  Some of them I’ve explored elsewhere in this blog, so I’m not going to go into them here…

What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Does climaxing while reading kinky erotica count?  Didn’t think so… LOL

I have some experiences listed in this blog doing solo play.

Actually, I can also dig back a little further… to when I was with my first husband.  He brought a girl into our bed one summer with whom I had an instant connection and we had a three-way that absolutely sizzled as she and I are both bi… she and I did some stuff on our own as well.  We’re still in touch, though many miles separate us now.

Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I have a really vivid imagination, so be warned!  this comes from having been part of "back rub chains" at science fiction conventions... and uh... sharing hotel rooms with others at said conventions...

Imagine an open area where many like-minded people are coming together… not dark and shadowy as I have seen most brothels and whorehouses depicted but bright and airy, an enclosed garden.  A group of us gather; we all know each other and are not shy about having sex in front of one another.  I am with a girl and two men -- all four of us pitch and catch for both teams -- and we daisy-chain, eventually ending up in a convoluted arrangement as we connect in various ways to give each other mutual pleasure.  There are others around us also reaching their climaxes together and the sounds of other couplings absolutely drives me over the edge again and again…

What’s your favourite toy?

As in kink-related?  I’m becoming quite fond of my rope… but it’s so hard to choose just one…

Post a kinky image you find erotic.

I don’t have permission to post this, but those who are on FetLife can see it:

Caught!

For those who can’t, it’s a pic of a girl bound into a huge ‘spiderweb’ stretched over rocks in the great outdoors :)

Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

I truly do not have the time to sit and watch music videos… however, my older daughter does, so you can blame her for this one!! it is rather catchy...

What are your hard limits?

Scat, gags, humiliation, breath play, a few other fine points I won’t go into here as I don’t ever see them coming up.

More tomorrow...

Submission Personified

I'm being rather naughty this weekend, driving with an expired inspection sticker and trying not to draw attention to myself so I won't get pulled over.  Really, I did mean to have it done by the end of March! but time got away from me... and I knew I needed to get the windshield repaired first.  When I finally called to make the appointment, the earliest they could accommodate me is Monday... so here I am, the scoff-law, whistling innocently...

I subscribe to several groups on FetLife; easily the most prolific of these is “Submissive Women” which generates at least five (and often many more) new discussions a day about various aspects of submission.  What it is, what it is not… different “takes” on what it means to be submissive given the dynamics of a relationship.  All in all, usually very good food for thought as I learn and seek to define what I want.

I have struggled to put my own “take” on what submission is for me; whilst I have identified as being submissive since I started reading about it two years ago, I have definitely shied away from certain interpretations of it.  For instance, I know I could never accept it as a 24/7 exchange.  I feel the need to have very defined boundaries of when it is “on” and when it is “off”… and to be known as a person first, because I’m not going to ‘just bend over’ for anyone.

I have come to realise that the act of submission is as much a gift to myself as it is to my partner.  Being as driven and as *cough* anal-retentive as I am, turning over the reins does not come easily to me.  When I am able to do that, and feel comfortable doing it though, mmmmmmmmm…

Why am I not Dominant then, if I have such need for control?  Indeed, one would think it would be a perfect fit… except that having that kind of control and responsibility terrifies me, I'm afraid of missing a really important social cue and doing real damage to someone.  I’ve tried it a handful of times online; it’s a fun change-up with someone I know well but could never be a permanent dynamic for me.

Why not just simply Top and/or Bottom?  It’s all well and good on occasion, yes, but it’s really too vanilla for me; the dynamic is not intense enough.  In my reading of erotica over time, I’ve noticed I have a stronger positive response to the D/s dynamic.  I'm also realising that I'm far kinkier than the Top/Bottom dynamic would give me credit for and don't wish to 'settle.'

Flying solo in my sessions, of course, I don't need to settle.  Granted, it's also damn hard to submit to myself! so really the whole dynamic might be tabled, except that it's still the one I gravitate toward in my reading and... I'm not really in a vacuum in practice, now am I?  I still talk to others about the lifestyle and have hopes that one day I may physically experience it with another.

In the meantime, I continue to learn and to further define who I am and what I want...