Cold Hands, Hot Dragon

It’s hard to keep a Dragon down for long; they get all squirmy and then of course there’s the fire-breathing thing…

Had a great good time today doing conducting for the benefit of musical elements in different sections of a large room in order to keep them together while also singing some fairly challenging music, it came out really well.  It’ll be televised locally, just not sure when (I’m on town cable almost weekly, but I’m told this one will be… bigger).  :)

There was a thread recently on FetLife asking people to come up with suggestions for common quotations turned kinky.  I contributed a couple and then just kept thinking up more… being that I love to play on words…

I came, I saw, I came again.

A cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.

A switch in time saves a flogging.

In for a penny, in for a pounding.

A man all wrapped up in himself has a small package.

All's fair in love and kink.

An idle sub is the Dom’s workshop.

As the cock is bent the sub’s inclined.

Any hole in an orgy.

Kink is the spice of life. 

Kink for kink's sake.

Kinkiness is next to godliness. 

Easy cum, easy go.

Eat, drink and be horny, for tomorrow we die.

G-d helps those who service themselves. 

Great shafts from little nuts grow.

Half an erection is better than none.

He who hesitates is screwed.

It takes all kinds of deviants to make a world.

Little strokes fell great shafts.

No sub can serve two Masters.

When the Dom’s away the subs will play. 

You can’t always cum when you want.

Two subs are better than one.

There are two sides to every paddle.

Psycho Babble

Feel free to move on… there is kink to this, but it’s not particularly pleasant.

Those who have PTSD will know what I mean when I speak of ‘trigger points’… for some it can be a colour, a spoken phrase, a particular sound.  I have two… a voice raised in negative emotion and a particular time of year.

We’ll skip the voice thing… it has no bearing here since I will no longer be meeting any potential play partners face-to-face.  The time of year thing… I seem to share this with many other people who have had devastating losses and other types of significant trauma.  While the passage of time has helped – the event in question happened 14 years ago today – it seems that I cannot escape the grip of the season.  For one terrible week every year, I relive in sharp detail a sequence of moments over the course of a week in March 1997, culminating on the 26^th of March, a day that will be forever burned in my soul… I second-guess myself (because of course hindsight is 20/20) and generally feel that I am ‘not enough’, that I failed in a cosmic sense and cost three innocent children their lives.  I very nearly died that day as well, and at times in the first year following I wished I had… but here I am.

I could write many, many paragraphs on the event and what led up to it… and actually, I did.  I wrote a book as a matter of fact, in which the event was a facet of a larger journey, which has since been published and is available on amazon dot com if one knows where to look.  I also had a memorial web page up for a while, when my sister had a domain, but now it exists only on my computer.  While both works were cathartic to execute, they do not entirely dispel the annual reckoning.

This year, like clockwork, it was as if a switch was thrown on Monday morning and the anvil dropped… everything came rushing back.  What if… I should have… why didn’t I… as a human being I fail miserably… no wonder everyone walks away…

Yeah.  Want a little cheese with that w(h)ine?

So… emotional pain aplenty.  How to deal with it and get through the week, knowing it’s a time-limited phenomenon?  Keeping busy helps… and this was definitely a hectic clinical week, plus the final gruelling week of a very intense course in school.  Physical pain helps.  Lots of it, as in ‘whip me, beat me, make me chew ground glass.’  I didn’t have time to truly do a scene… but did do something that was likely ill-advised.  Too embarrassed to actually describe it other than to say it was rather a bloody mess, lesson learnt, and hopefully something I can laugh at in a couple of weeks.  (No, don’t worry, it wasn’t the ground glass option!)

In the end, it’s remembering that ‘this too shall pass,’ shouldering on and coping as best as I know how.  And deep thanks to a very good friend and damn sexy typer who kept me grounded and delightfully distracted this week!

Ridin' Solo

“Play ball!”

w00t!  It’s officially Spring now, so I can say it! …managed to get through the entire gnarly Winter unscathed!!  Usually by now I’ve had at least one significant respiratory infection and spent time on crutches.  So, see… kink must be good for me!!

Recently, my ‘alone’ time was called into question.  Hmmmm… let’s see… it’s been two years, three months, thirteen days and twenty-odd hours since I last had relations with another real person in the same room, not that I’m counting or anything…! and since I’ve actually had relations with that someone where I got off?? gee, I ran out of fingers… ¬¬

My point is that I am a solo act, have been and likely will be for the foreseeable future.  It is not in my nature to ‘run out there’ looking for a quick fix, and as a busy professional in my ‘other’ life I cannot seem to work my schedule to meet anyone.  The physical outlet has to go somewhere… and while a good deal of energy can be appropriately channelled into my music and theatre, I do spend a fair amount of time murdering kittens and dabbling in sensation play when the opportunity presents itself.  And as for the need for an intimate connection?  <quiet grin>

Rather than cry about it or crawl under a rock, I blog, share ideas and look for new things to try on my own.  And I laugh at myself often, because laughing’s healthy.

Therefore, with tongue firmly in cheek, I present the pros and cons to ridin’ solo…

Pros:

1.  When the ‘golden opportunity’ opens itself up for play, I don’t have to worry about coordinating with anyone else’s schedule… I’m nearly always ready!

2.    Hell, let’s face it… I’m just always ready!

3.    And I don’t stand myself up…

4.    I’m willing to do things to myself that I would not trust others to do to me

5.    I don’t have to take myself out for coffee first

6.    No worries about having to generate small talk or of saying the wrong thing

7.    No hurt feelings!

8.    I don’t have to care what I look like in critical moments of play

9.    No embarrassing moments

Cons:

1.   There are things I would like to try that are difficult, if not impossible, to do alone

2.    No ‘connection’ to anyone so can’t truly experience the D/s dynamic or go into ‘subspace’

3.    I’m told that the experience (and the sex) is more intense when experienced with another person in the room with you

So there you have it… no anger, no angst… just a quiet acceptance of ‘what is’ and a moving forward…

Intro to Kink 101

"We're the pleasures of the night-time that fade at dawn,

selling treasures of the night-time 'til night is gone.

And then when the party's over, everybody's gone away,

we stare at an empty day - what's there to do or say?

Nighttime is where we live,

night is when we give everything we have to give.

Most lovers can rejoice, we don't have a choice,

we just know we have to give.

That's why the day can never be bright

for the girls of the night..."

"Girls of the Night" - Jekyll & Hyde

I am Nellie to my friend J's Lucy, such sultry wenches!... we always have a kick performing this song and will be doing so again publicly in three weeks, looking forward to it :)

My first introduction to kink was not far from the girls of the night one summer in Boston...

I had determined that I was not going to return home after my first year at college, so as soon as the semester ended I got myself a job at Fernald State School (now the Fernald Developmental Centre, due to close Any Day Now... really...) and moved into a co-op apartment in Brighton with several other young people.  The unit I was working in was actually housed up at the Metropolitan State (Mental) Hospital, a very spooky place at the time, as my unit's building was being renovated.

I am not sure what it is about work with the developmentally disabled that attracts those of the LGBT persuasion, but we are Legion... and nearly to a (wo)man, seem ideally suited to the work with a special compassion and a fine sense of advocacy.  I had had no exposure to the LGBT community growing up, and being at an all-girls Catholic college had not furthered my education on that front.

So, I met Danny and George shortly after I started working for Fernald.  George was an older guy... tall, skinny transvestite (okay, now we say cross-dresser, I'm only saying how he referred to himself) complete with makeup; Danny was a few years older than me, gay and quite open about it.  After they finished laughing at my accent, they took me under their collective wing and taught me all kinds of things.

Now, I'm sure that had I not been a virgin, my "education" would have gone quite differently (in that they likely would have hooked me up with someone who would have taught me about BDSM first-hand).  Being that I was in fact still of intact hymen, they were very concerned about maintaining my virtue and decided that it would just be fun to shock me about things.  I still remember Danny telling me in all seriousness that he could be a better woman than I could ever be...

I never worried when I went out with them late at night after work because I knew they weren't interested in me and would protect me from vultures, so we would go out into Boston and through the Red Light District to the Paramount theatre to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show, where Danny was part of the floor show dancers on certain nights during the week.  This was in the heyday of the participation of this cult classic, an experience not to be missed! And quite eye-opening to a neophyte of the scene...

Danny and George were both heavily into the BDSM lifestyle, and the impression they gave me of it was that it was all whips and chains and torture.  That was later reinforced when my sister went to college at Georgetown University, entered the lifestyle, and went straight for the the S/M aspect (and yet accused me of corrupting her! LOL).  It is likely just as well that my education in the matter of kink came later... a few years after that Summer of Enlightenment the AIDS epidemic hit the US in force and I might have been caught in that maelstrom.

How did I finally discover the true nature of kink, you may ask?  Well, I'm actually still very much on the learning curve here, but I got an idea that it wasn't all about the torture when I started reading erotic fiction a couple of years ago when the sexual well ran dry... and the rest is legend... ;)

(click on the pic to see hahaha)

Self Restraint

I forgot to mention in my drabblings yesterday about an encounter we had at the mall; we had wandered into one of the stores and my son noticed all of the facial piercings the girl behind the counter had.  He commented, "I'll bet those really hurt!" and she replied, "Only the one to my chest!"

I was about to commiserate with her, when my son began to back away from her.  "I'm scared of you," he said, "You've got your chest pierced!"

My mouth shut tight, the confession died on my lips.  Scared of her?  Okay, I guess I could see that, I remembered the terror I felt when I was first introduced to kink as a teen (which will be the fodder of another post, sometime).  But would that translate to me, if he knew...?

Yeah, if they only knew...

I went downstairs last night dressed in one of Taz's ripped-up tee shirts to do my hair... as I passed by him he called out "Wait a minute!" and I thought he had finally caught on.  I turned toward him in trepidation, waiting for his wrath (because I figure that's how he'll react when he finally gets a clue)... and all he said was, "That's an old shirt, right?  I don't want you using one of my new undershirts!!"  I practically danced in front of him, showing him the gaping rips under the arms, mere centimeters from my pierced nips.  And that... was that.

*sigh*

The title of this post has two meanings.  The first, of course, is obvious: that of holding back, of mastering one's impulses.  We as kinksters do that all the time in order to function in mundane society.  At times we may let it 'leak' a bit in our manner of dress or actions, depending on the situation.  For instance, I showed self restraint in not blurting out at the mall that I, too, had a chest piercing.  But I am rather unconventional in my appearance for my age bracket; an 'acquired taste' so to speak.

The other meaning may be of far more interest to those of us who identify as submissives.  I first ran across this phenomenon in the mid-80s in my work with severely involved autistic youngsters: the fact that they would self-restrain themselves as a form of grounding, of security.

The ways they would choose to do so seemed bizarre at the time; wearing their clothes so as to bind their legs or their torsos and arms, wrapping their arms about themselves and refusing to let go, etc.  A few of my students would initiate putting themselves into four-point restraint to keep themselves safe in a threatening situation.

After reading a couple of articles about the theory of why they did such things, I decided to try it for myself.  And that is how I discovered light bondage and how much I enjoyed it, needed it in fact.

I have a very low tolerance for crowds and open arenas (like shopping malls, supermarkets, department stores, etc.).  You will not see me anywhere near a mall from early November until past the New Year, even with coping mechanisms... just can't handle it.  I will tolerate these places at other times of the year if I can either be holding on to something (someone's hand, a stroller handle) or wearing headphones (a trick I picked up from my deaf students).

Apparently, I crave the security that bondage brings; today as part of my session I wandered out into the community wearing a tight shibari body harness underneath my clothes, and was completely in submissive headspace, a sort of euphoria, the entire time I was out.  I may be off my rocker, but I present this as a reason why other submissives may enjoy bondage as well.  What does it do for you?

Had an absolutely glorious session today (when the cat's away the mice will play!).  New fun sensations: playing with a vibrating butt plug whilst having a bullet vibrating in the 'other' cavity, brushing warm wax on sensitive areas with a paintbrush, pushing an ice cube into the vagina and having cool water pool out during orgasm to add fuel to the climax.  One totally scary moment when the doorbell rang and realising that I could be seen in all of my wanton abandon from the front door...! and diving for cover.

Not looking forward to Monday... especially with the time change...

Dragon Drabble

 The technogeek in me is well pleased. :)

I had been waiting for Apple and our service provider to shake hands over the iPhone ever since the device had made its appearance; I've had the iPod Touch for awhile, going from 8G up to 32G -- which has been invaluable both professionally and as a musician -- but craved the additional accessibility the iPhone would provide.  It's just as well that I had to wait; the iPhone is now in its 4th generation, so the 'kinks' of earlier versions have been worked out.  Taz stymied me a bit further, as initially he did not want to have to pay for a data plan monthly, but finally capitulated when I presented a well-reasoned case to him and gifted my previous iTouches to my daughters.

It's. Been. Awesome.

I laugh when I think how excited I was (many years ago now, LOL), when the 1200-baud modem came out for the Commodore 64! and can remember my first brush with 'vultures' (my term for those who swoop in looking for a 'quick fix') on QuantumLink along with the friends I made online back then, one of whom I still have contact with on Facebook. :)

So...

The sensation quest has been stayed for the time being, as this poor Dragon has been swamped with work and a very intense (but very enlightening) course in school.  I did, however, have opportunity to try some IcyHot this week...

...which is probably the first time I've ever considered reaching for the shower nozzle to rinse it all out!!  It took a couple of seconds to 'hit' me, and then I just had to grip the edge of the counter for a minute or two in absolute agony before I could play.  A couple of orgasms later it felt much better...! it's gone into the toy bag to play with again, carefully :)

Last evening, I came all over girly, which is something I never do...!  I had to replace one of the captive bead earrings in my upper ear after it got whacked out (quite innocently) in a wrestling match with my older daughter, so I took the kids to the mall last night to find something in the rainbow persuasion that I could put in my ear myself (captive beads are beyond me!).  I found quite the stash at my favorite earring store...

and between those and a purchase elsewhere in the mall, managed to accessorize quite well in the rainbow theme :)

I've never been one much for jewelry, but piercings are a different matter... and the bracelets were just a cool find I couldn't pass up!

I also found a few miscellaneous goodies in the dollar store to add to the toy bag... when next I play with wax, I want to try brushing/spreading it on, so I picked up some cheap paintbrushes and spatulas.  I may get that opportunity tomorrow (provided I finish all my schoolwork!) as the rest of the family take a day trip out to New Jersey...

For now, back to the dungeon (the work one, not the play one!)... but looking forward to having some kinky fun soon...!

The Porno Connection

I love to execute plays on words; to joke, to pun, to wield the sword of double entendre and – the sharpest tool in my arsenal – that of dry sarcasm.  Of course I have to be careful of my audience; I was recently stopped by a police officer in a small town for a broken headlamp and when he commented about all the boxes on my front passenger seat (I was in the midst of moving my office that week) I made a quip about living in my car.  He took me absolutely seriously and started checking for signs of vagrancy! until I was able to assure him that I did in fact have a proper home address.  Usually I don’t let fly with such comments until I’m reasonably comfortable and secure with someone… once I am, though, watch out!!

This past week I have been conducting a family assessment (to satisfy a clinical requirement for school) using people who happen to be good friends of mine from the theatre company.  The family assessment includes all aspects of humanity including (of course) sexuality.  When we first started the battery of questions last weekend, the couple’s young daughter was present and so we decided to defer ‘those’ questions to the second session when she would be otherwise engaged.  With a good deal of giggling, we code-named the section ‘Question 42’ as we all know that 42 is the answer to everything.  Oh, and bring a towel.

We re-convened a couple of nights later to address (among other things) the set of questions relating to human sexuality.  Now the first several questions were fairly straightforward: ‘attitudes toward sexuality, sexual orientation, frequency and satisfaction with sexual activity, and contraceptive measures’… we got through those with some giggling, especially when I counselled my friend J to “walk up the stairs sooner!” when she complained about bedtimes out of phase with her husband, C.  Gee, that sounds awfully familiar...

But then, I swear to you, the following subset of questions in that section just struck us as bizarre: ‘Hazards to human life, human functioning, and human well being.’  I stared dumbly at it for a minute, and then said, “Uuuuuuuuhhhh, they must be talking about the kink!!”

They just laughed at that, so we spent the next several minutes talking about kinky practices, including joking about their cellar being a dungeon and what the true purpose of the hose down there could be.  I was completely deadpan in my delivery of ‘outrageous assumptions’ that were way too close to my own truth… and they were laughing hysterically because of course no one would actually do those sorts of things, certainly not them and not their good friend Kaz… *cough*

On one level I felt as if I was coming out to them and they were accepting what I was saying (because they were continuing to laugh and joke and not act horrified); on another level I knew without a doubt that this was something I could never discuss with them seriously.  I know that I can get away with saying some pretty outrageous things, and that in the future I’ll be able to fix J with a look and exclaim, “Oh my!  Just what do you think you’re doing with that hose?!” and have her rolling on the floor in hysterics, so I guess it’s all good.

The very next day at work I went to see my very favourite manager, P, just to check in.  She has the best insight on things that are going on within the agency and she’s got a great sense of humour to boot, so I make it a point to get over to see her as often as I can.  When I came into her office to sit she was bustling about with papers, and I saw from her screen that her computer was off-line… then she told me why…

Apparently one of the staff had downloaded a good deal of pornography AND PRINTED IT OUT, unwittingly leaving it in the printer tray for P to find.  This sparked an investigation by the IT department, who took all the computers out of the program in order to see what else they could find (because as we know every move you make on the computer leaves traces).

As if that were not enough, another staff person was going around showing pictures of her boyfriend’s willy that she had on her cell phone to other staff (but told them to keep it hush-hush because she didn’t want her husband to find out… ??! oy… *facepalm*).  One of the staff reported it to P, and the offending staff admitted to it, but then also gave P to understand that she wasn’t the only one doing such things…

So there’s a bit of an uproar going on, and P appears to be sitting on top of the Porno Connection at the moment… though I told her that may spread as the staff in question who downloaded the stuff works at other programs, which may well widen the investigation (as it is the nerdy IT guy was already going to other programs and we figure he’s having the time of his life with this, since he now gets to check out porn as part of his job!).  She’s all righteously indignant (but still managing to laugh about it), more put out by not having a computer at the moment than anything else.

Hmmmn… suppose I should do a sweep of my laptop, eh? since it’s company issue… LOL… though since I seem to have such a ‘goody’ reputation that I doubt they’d look my way… ¬¬