Things I Had Never Done Before This Year

A few days ago a fellow blogger tweeted an idea about a blog prompt :)

This prompted for me a flashing before my eyes of what this past year has been.  These past twelve months have been an awakening for me...

A year ago this month, I spent the day with my sister and had that fateful conversation that started everything.  She's been in the lifestyle for many, many years and was only too happy to introduce me to it; she was the one who recommended FetLife to me.  I returned home that evening with renewed purpose, joined FetLife and started looking around.  A whole new world opened up for me that night as I started reading through group forums greedily.  Here were real people sharing the troubles and joys, the rewards and sacrifices of being in the lifestyle!

Up until this time I had only read fiction on BDSM and while that gave me some general pointers it was by no means a thorough introduction to what it meant.  Over the next several months I talked with people I met online and learned so much.

And experienced too.  I had never imagined actually meeting people and physically interacting; I had only ever meant to watch from the sidelines.  At my first meeting with someone over coffee I was so terrified I could barely speak.

I still felt I was really only meant to be an online observer.  My personal situation just too complicated, my professional life just too busy.  By this point I had made a few friends, one of whom has been my kindred spirit in kink.  We share each other's highs and lows and help each other process the journey (and egg each other on too!).  I'd be lost without my Rider :)

I started scening on my own, trying out ideas and sensations I'd never tried or done before (and I continue to do more, this is by no means an exhaustive list!):

• masturbating with toothpaste
• masturbating with Icy Hot
• 'figging'
• 'clothespegging'
• 'fire in the hole'
• candle wax and ice cube play
• wax painting
• melted marshmallow play
• mustard play
• erotic photography (I had always hated going in front of the camera in the past)

And bondage... a huge deal/fetish for me that led me straight to my first Real Life session with a real Dom.  I am interested in all forms of bondage but particularly shibari and it was that interest that got me beyond my nervousness and allowed me to agree to that session.  Though the aftermath was devastating it was an important point along the path and has allowed me to open myself to the idea of scening with another person in Real Time.

Yes, I've come a long way in a year and done many things I'd never thought I'd do.  And the journey continues...

TMI Tuesday: Dating

DATING

1. You’re on a speed date. You’ve got 7 minutes with the potential partner. You already know the person’s name. What are the first three questions you would ask?

The questions wouldn’t necessarily be in this order, but I would ask what the person did for a living, what were they ‘into’ (ie., kink), and whether they cared that I’m married.

2. Have you ever participated in speed dating? Did you get a regular date/second date out of it?

Nope, not ever!  With the amount of time it takes me to ‘warm up’ to someone enough to carry on a conversation, it just wouldn’t even be practical to try to put me on a timer.

3. Do you participate in online dating? How many dates have you had as a result of online dating sites/matches?

I don’t call it that, but let’s say for the sake of argument that FetLife qualifies, since that’s how I meet the majority of people ‘in the lifestyle.’  I have met 4 people so far that have made it to the ‘let’s meet for coffee’ status (I’m meeting #4 this week in fact).  Of these, two made it to a second meeting, both of which ended up being scene sessions (as in BDSM). Neither of those progressed further.

4. You are attracted to:
a. Who people are?
b. What people have?
c. What they can do?

Who people are, as in what they’re about, their interests, et cetera, and what they can do, as in what are their strengths and what are they ‘into’ is the draw for me.

5. What “little red flag” will cause you to end a date or immediately decide this person isn’t for you?

First contact usually says a lot… if the person is rude, arrogant, unable to put together a coherent English sentence or just plain creepy at first blush, the message goes directly to trash bin.  If they continue to push at hard limits even before we meet, or I start to feel uncomfortable with continuing contact, it’s over.  I will not meet with someone in person until I’m ready to do so, though I’ll happily chat in cyber (with the caveat no real name, no cam, no exceptions).

6. What do you feel you need to sacrifice or have sacrificed to be a part of a relationship?

In the past, everything!!  Now, I don’t feel the need to sacrifice anything.

7. If you cooked for your date, what would you cook?

Depends on what they would like.  I wouldn’t want to make something the person would hate… I get that enough from the kids!!!

8. At the end of a first date, how would you kiss your date?
a. Press your lips against theirs
b. Gentle kiss on the cheek
c. Lots o’ tongue, like you’re on a tonsil exploration
d. I don’t kiss on the first date

See my reasoning on that here… I really have not changed much since writing that; if anything the boundaries have become more defined.

Bonus:  You just put up a profile on a dating site. You must describe yourself in 10 words or less. What are your 10 words?

Do acronyms count? LOL

MWBF sub GSOH seeking D/s, must be friends first.

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Go see who else is sharing TMI here

The Nature of Relationships: An Update

It's high time I addressed this here, it's been something I've been turning over in my mind for a good while and I need to put it down where I can see it instead of it being this nebulous 'thing' in my brain.  I'm talking about my relationships and my current take on them, both online (cyber) and in real time (RT).

I have stated that I am a solo act and that I am by nature monogamous.  That is true, to a point.  I have no current physical relationships with anyone, including my husband, whom I will not leave.  I have been monogamous in the sense that when I have entered into a physical relationship, it has been with one person only.  Whilst I have been asked to consider threesomes ~ and I remind the reader that I am bisexual by nature ~ I have not actually indulged in one since the mid-80s.  Not that I am at all opposed to the idea with the right dynamic, just that it has not happened.

The fact that I would even consider a physical relationship beyond my marriage has a lot to do with the first Dom I spoke with.  When I first joined FetLife I figured that I would just be listening and learning, but not doing anything.  I was reasonably content with my solo ministrations and my erotica.  After some long late night discussions, I came to understand, if not fully internalise, that I was doing myself a disservice by not having an intimate connection ~ a way to pull close to someone and drop a cover, however briefly, over the rest of the world for some private 'us' time to re-charge the batteries so to speak.

Well, that does require having another person involved doesn't it... I warred with myself for some time over the fact that that person no longer seemed to be Taz.  We still have a relationship and a marriage, yes, but it is as two friends, nothing more.  There is no spark, no romance, no sexual interaction of any kind beyond my occasional tries.  And yet, I will never leave him... he deserves to have a life partner who will be there for him even if he no longer desires the physical.

Can I tell him about all of this?  No, I don't feel I can.  The reader may disagree with me here, but truly... unless you've walked in my shoes you cannot judge me.  You cannot know what I've done, what I've been through.  You cannot know how I've tried.

So, where does this leave me?  I am not one to run out there and go for the 'one night fling.'  It is not easy for me to navigate the social scene, and I am not one for 'casual' relationships.  Yet... I cannot ask for exclusivity either, since I can't give myself 'wholly' to another.  The best I can hope for is a relationship that may last for a long time, but where I must share attention with other competing relationships, hoping that what I have to offer is enough to continue to justify the bond.  I cannot become jealous or 'needy'; I must have other outlets for that.

This isn't a 'poly' thing; my understanding of poly is that all parties know and interact with each other on some level.  I can't ever let that happen.  Couldn't bear to be in the midst of it when the inevitable conflict occurred.

Truly, it's enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and deny that I need any type of connection.  But I already know that that's not healthy nor right... and besides, too late!  I do have connections.

I have a kindred spirit in kink, a fellow sub with whom I can share everything.  Such a give-and-take is very rare and precious; I consider myself very fortunate to have this relationship.

There is an occasional connection by chat and phone with a sadistic Dom with a terrific commanding voice who can send me 'there' with a few simple commands.  He reads my blog and takes me to task for posting the pictures that I do... as much as he loves seeing them... it's a funny kind of relationship that works because I don't expect anything from it.

In both cases I need to stay sharply aware that I cannot let my heart rule my head.  I know that I cannot be the be-all and end-all for either of them; both have needs I cannot possibly satisfy.  The reverse is true as well.

Complicated, eh?

In RT... well... there've been a couple of people who've expressed interest in meeting up with me at a local Munch.  Another whom I may be meeting for coffee in a couple of weeks.  Nothing that I'm hanging my hopes ~ or my heart ~ on.  I can't afford to, and after the experiences I've had this year ~ and in the past ~ my trust in human nature is pretty damn low if not non-existent.  It's just best if I have no expectations other than hoping that I will eventually make a connection that will be the basis of a mutually beneficial relationship.

The heart?  Well, the heart will just have to fend for itself.

Fishnets and Heels

I have a bit of an announcement, and this is a good time too to address some things for people who have only just started following my blog.

Somewhat over a month ago, I had revealed that I was under the instruction of a Dom.  That relationship has now ended, as those who follow me on Twitter are likely aware.

I'm left with a box of fishnet and heels.

I'll not go into details.  I'm quite grateful it wasn't at all as explosive as the end of my previous D/s relationship; it was quite civil and we are still friends.  As far as the future goes... well, I should direct attention to a couple of earlier posts that are quite in full effect, and that will give you an idea of my modus operandi.  The first can be found here, and the second here.  I urge you to take the time to (re-)read them.

I'm looking forward to next Wednesday, when I should get the 'green' signal to go back to full penetrative play!  I have missed my sessions and am looking forward to going full-tilt into new experiences in the very near future :)

Sex and Menstruation, Kinky Style

Obviously, this topic is all behind me... but Molly asked for viewpoints and this was a topic that certainly has played into my sexuality, so I figured I would give it a go.  If nothing else, it will give the reader another perspective on the subject of sexual intercourse during menstruation.

First, a bit of background.  I have been a nurse working with special needs populations for... a long time.  Before that, I was in a variety of layman roles working with special needs individuals hands-on, teaching basic life skills and activities of daily living including showering, dressing, toileting, et cetera ad nauseam for a long time... since my teens.  Doing such intimate care over the years has fairly well inured me to bodily functions and secretions.  Very little squicks me out in dealing with it in the everyday.

Dealing with it in terms of sex and kink?  Well, that's another matter.  Purposeful scat is just nasty, and a hard limit for me.  So are vomit and spit.  I'm on the fence about purposeful peeing... I work with some folks who literally get 'pissed off' and I think it's funny as hell.  The rest of the bodily secretions I consider involuntary and so of no consequence, and that's where menstrual flow falls.

In my vanilla life... well, Bis had no problem with it, at least early on... we would just throw down a towel and go for it.  For a couple of days before and the first couple days of flow, a woman is more 'engorged' in the nethers, so therefore more sensitive... I found it enjoyable.  Towards the end we didn't do it so much, not sure whether the other women he was with turned him off to it or he simply had too many other options.

Taz was never into it, and I didn't push it... he had enough trouble dealing with performance issues, and I just wanted him to feel comfortable with whatever we were doing.  In the end, it didn't matter... and he totally missed the trauma of the final few months of constant bleeding before I had the surgery this summer.

As a bisexual woman... well, it has just never come up with any of my partners, at least so far.  Would I have a problem with it?  No.  I would be guided by whatever my partner was comfortable with.

Whilst I was going through the 'constant bleeding' part, I had one young Master with whom I was in correspondence tell me how hot he thought that was; for him it was actually a fetish.  That revelation was just amazing to me after so many years of less than positive reactions.  I was doing a lot of solo play by then, and again the constant congestion in the nethers made for some fantastic orgasms, but I hated doing much penetrative stuff because of the necessary clean-up afterwards.  The orgasms themselves increased the rate of flow significantly, which was kind of scary, and whilst it didn't bother me in terms of the squick factor I was hesitant to subject any potential lovers to it.

As it turned out, it's been a moot point.  My flow was absent the day I had my first real-life session with a Dom, which was good considering I already had the jitters.  The other session I had, shortly before surgery, the flow was minimal and of no consequence as far as the Dom was concerned; our focus was far more sensual than sexual.  And now it doesn't matter, unless another woman is added into the equation (which is a subject for another post, another day)...

TMI Tuesday: Flashback then Fast Forward

1. What ’80s or ’90s fashion did you love but would be embarrassed to wear today, even if it came back in style?

Nothing, I really don’t follow fashion.  I wore a lot of neon then and I still have neon items today LOL

2. What current fashion do you wear and love? Or What current fashion do you wear but probably shouldn’t?

I am NOT a fashion person, my usual outfit is tee shirt, jeans, and hoodie, usually black.  I do have to say I’m thrilled that sleeves come so much longer now as a fashion thing, I can actually find shirts and hoodies where the sleeves cover my wrists!

3. What was your favourite toy as a kid?

Hmmmn… I had a stuffed toy collection that I still have and have added to hahaha…

4. What is your favourite “toy” today?

My mind :)

5. Did you ever own a Sony Walkman? A boombox?

Yes to both, though not until about ten years ago.

6. What’s the most played song on your mp3 player?

Hysteria by Muse from their Absolution album

7. Who was your best friend in elementary/primary school?

A girl named Roxanne.  Really!  :) I don’t know what happened to her after high school, though.

8. Who is your best friend now?

I am blessed to have a number of people who have seen my at my best – and my worst – and love me anyway ;)

9. Who was your favourite musical group in your early teens (age 13/14)? Post a photo.

Don’t laugh… we weren’t allowed to listen to rock ‘n’ roll back then, but my sister and I used to listen (and dance) to the Osmonds quite a bit!

10. Who is your favourite musical group now? Post a link to a song of theirs that you like.

Being a musician, I have a rather eclectic taste in music, it’s really hard to choose just one.  I have a ‘personal soundtrack’ of over 100 songs that I play through quite a bit that has everything from Josh Groban to Eminem and I love them all :)

Bonus: What do you think is the secret to a good life?

Keep on learning.  Never stop.  And if you’re bored, you’re not doing it right.

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 I wasn't going to do this meme but then changed my mind... my participation for TMI will be sporadic at best especially once I go back to work.

See who else gave TMI on Tuesday here...

Milking Mommy

It’s time to do some heavy thinking and re-evaluating some core beliefs and values (again) as I meander along the journey of exploring kink and find what works for me.  Things I never knew, that in learning change the playing field.

Way back, I mentioned my reaction to my friend’s writing about breast stimulation as erotic play and how I needed to explore that more, as previously it had not done much for me.  I’ve since learned that had more to do with my never having taken the time to explore myself in that way, and partners not taking time to see what felt good for me.  It’s been fun, exciting, and definitely erotic to discover that I can respond this way and what works best.

In another post, I talked about breastfeeding and the joy I had doing it for all three children (and the crazy positions it put me in!).  Although I certainly enjoyed doing it and considered it a very special time of my life, I in no way considered the activity of breastfeeding to be erotic.

Truth be told, the first time my milk came in was very traumatic.  I had just lost the triplets and the nurses had warned us that my body would still respond from the birth, cruel trick of nature that it was.  Sure enough, it came in about a week later; we had escaped up to Vermont after I left the hospital in order to avoid well-meaning friends and relatives who had absolutely no clue what to say to us.  I remember us driving home, still bereft, and me begging Taz to stop at a grocery store to get frozen peas to hold over my traitor swollen breasts.

The day after we got home we stopped by the funeral parlour to pick up the babies’ ashes.  As I turned the pink-slabbed urn about in my hands to read the name plate, I could hear the ashes moving about in the interred containers, a ghostly rattle.  In a truly psychotic moment I rocked and sobbed, thinking only that if I could just rip apart the urn and spray my breast milk over the contents, the ashes would reconstitute into our babies and all would be well again.

I don’t remember how long it took for lactation to subside; it was the least of my problems as I struggled in those next dark weeks to come to terms with what had happened and move on.  One consequence of that horrible event was that I could no longer mentally tolerate the concept of vaginal birth and the images it called forth.  It remained to be seen how I dealt with the rest of the concepts dealing with my body during pregnancy, birth, and lactation.

As it turned out, I was a nervous wreck for both subsequent pregnancies even while being grateful that I could in fact be pregnant.  Both were c-sections; the first because of my mind-block which translated in failure to progress, the second because it was twins and I’d already had the first one.  But the breastfeeding went beautifully, thank goodness.

It’s been seven years since I stopped breastfeeding; I was sad to let it go and look back on that time fondly.  And I’ve thought it to be one of those doors that don’t get re-opened ever again.  Apparently I’m wrong.

I’ve been asked to consider re-starting lactation again, this time for an adult relationship.  To consider it an erotic experience.  My mind has been spinning with this and I’ve been doing some reading.

I knew it was possible for a woman to bring about lactation for an adopted child with a lot of hard work.  But I had not realised that most of the ‘wet nurses’ in historical literature had also done that, I had assumed that they were all women who had given birth and no longer needed to suckle their own child so kept the milk going to be able to provide that service for other women’s children.  Not only that, but lactation is easier to bring about than I had been led to believe (by no means easy though!).

As an erotic activity though, hmmmn.  That’s a whole new mind-set for me.  I’m not going to lie; the more I consider the idea the more intrigued I am.  I’m shocked to find it’s even turning me on a bit, given my history.

I have time to assimilate this, luckily.  Still healing here, so doing plenty of reading and thinking and trying to decide how I feel about it.  That and threesomes, which is a post for another day…

Playing Post-Surgery

I have been gratified... encouraged... frightened? by my return of libido after tossing the womb to the curb by open abdominal three weeks ago today.  Likely retaining the gonads have contributed to that, but there appears to be no slack-off of the high appetite for erotic & kinky.

Granted, for the first week or so I was way too cautious and achy to even try.  It wasn't until I weaned myself off the narcotics that I even felt a stirring of the old flame and even then it took a couple of days before I acted on it.

Then came the Friday night nearly two weeks in when the opportunity presented and the gloves came off!  Taz and Moopie headed out to NJ to catch some of her summer theatre friends in a production, leaving me with the twins.  Once I had them bedded down I had the night to myself and the toybag came out to play :)

'No penetration' was still the rule.

Remember when I asked, "What about anal?"??

Yes, I was a bit sore the next day, but happily so, and since then the urges have only become stronger.

Yesterday, I finally tied myself back into a karada for the first time since before surgery; I had been hesitant since there are knots near (though not on) the surgical site and rope passes over it.

It has been fine however, and has certainly added to the fun... the tension in the harness and the way the knots rub have kept me mindful and near the edge almost constantly.  At one point the family left the house to catch a movie and let me work on my Paper of the Week, and I could not resist grabbing some time to myself to strip down to just the karada and read erotica until I had brought myself to several rolling orgasms and was a panting mess on the floor. :)

There is also the fun of wearing the karada around with no bra, no panties... just a tank top and swim trunks... even when walking around outside.  Did I mention the constant edginess?  Yes, I'm sure I did...

Last night I curled up next to Taz for a snuggle.  His hands roamed over the rope curiously and I held my breath thinking, 'this is it!'  But sadly, no... he kept watching TV and eventually I fell asleep beside him until he woke me and kicked me upstairs.  Ah, well...

Just Another Female Blogger

A post written recently by a fellow blogger gave me pause.  He and his wife spoke about the dwindling participation in a weekly meme that promotes appreciation for various views of the human body in Half-Nekkid form.  I’ve only participated a handful of times but had already noted the lack and ascribed it to being a newcomer to an already established clique.

As the comments to his post poured in, another picture emerged, that of jaded bloggers who were only out for their own traffic and were tired of the same old, same old.  There’s some truth in that, definitely… how often can you look at pictures of someone’s nipples and come up with an original comment?

As a sex blogger… well, frankly I suck and I’ll be the first to admit it.  I’m not a 20-something hot babe telling you about my latest pounding by a huge dick.  I don’t have a body to die for, and I’m not having sex with anyone in real time.  I don’t have any ‘hooks’ or ‘glitz’ to draw readers in.  I started this blog for me… to chronicle and process a journey I’m taking as a repressed late bloomer, new on the scene.  All I really have going are my forays at solo sensation play, my budding interest in erotic photography and willingness to take it public, and my ability to write.

In the end, I boil down to just another female sex blogger.  We are Legion, ayep.  But it is also good to remember the social aspect of blogging and the unique perspective that everyone brings to the table, the concept that we can learn from each other.  It’s what first brought me to blogging ten years ago, when I started out on LiveJournal.

Yes, I can certainly stand to be more friendly and I freely acknowledge that; it’s something I’m working on.  But I do wonder how ‘worth it’ it is when I make a point of visiting and commenting on everyone else’s post for a weekly theme like HNT or Sinful Sunday or Wanton Wednesday… and work to put a quality post together on my blog for the occasion… only to get a handful of comments when I see other participants getting twice and three times as many.  I understand that it’s a way of driving traffic to people’s blogs and getting noticed, but a little love along the way would be nice to spread around.  Karma is a bitch…

Vaginal Virtues

I'm not sure that I called it anything at all, growing up... part of that repressed childhood...

if I had to call it anything at all in the past, I referred to it in the appropriate anatomical terms... all those nurses in the family and my dad a science teacher...

even now I don't have a particular favourite term for it

I detest most of the vernacular terms... cunt, box, fuckhole, clam, beaver, muff, twat... xp

Other terms are more acceptable... snatch is fairly unassuming...

Pussy... well, you can just crack so many jokes with that... and of course there's the whole James Bond angle that always hit the mark with me... mmmmmmm...

And vajayjay... well, that might be the new favourite

I certainly didn't pay much attention to it much in my vanilla life... It was not until I got into reading... and then experimenting... that I discovered the veritable virtues of the vagina! LOL

Now I am finally able to enjoy... celebrate... and even decorate! in so many different ways.
There is much to appreciate :)

To learn more of Molly's Pussy Pride Project, go here

Passivity versus Submission

I've finished all of my schoolwork for the week, so now I can really let loose and enjoy this weekend of playing with ropes of a different sort. :)





I'm in a theatrical production this weekend, not as an actor but behind the scenes, hauling scene drops up and down and directing the tech crew on stage left.  Great fun!! if a bit bruising...


And oh!  I'm left with some time to think... always dangerous... ;)

The course I’m currently studying in school is on health care communication.  I knew it would be enlightening in some respects, as effective communication is something I have worked on (and struggled with) for many years, though I feel I have professional communication fairly nailed solid.

My reading this week brought me up short… specifically this paragraph from one of my texts:

“Although it is not advisable or even possible to deal with every conflict

situation, a habitually passive response stems from a number of feelings,

including fear, anxiety, timidity, inhibition, hurt, self-denial, helplessness,

and physical and emotional stress. If words are spoken they are often not

reflective of the actual thoughts or feelings of the passive individual, adding

an element of emotional dishonesty to the communication. Internally, an

intense dialogue rages, with repeated replaying of the situation and various

alternate responses that the passive person could have given.

The costs of habitually passive behaviour include lowering of self-esteem

and self-confidence, a negative self-image, avoidance of responsibility

for the quality of one’s relationships and life, and lost opportunities

to develop skills in managing conflict and resolving issues. Problems

are not faced or solved. Consequently they multiply at the feet of the

passive communicator.” (O’Neill & Hansten, 2009, p. 279)

Thump.  That, in a nutshell, is my ‘habitual pattern.’  Not the case professionally to be sure; I usually have no trouble expressing myself adequately there unless someone is directly confronting me on a negative personal note.  There’s something about advocating for more vulnerable parties (the people I serve) that brings out the assertive tendencies in me.  But on a personal front I am eager to please others, often at the expense of my self, and will go to great lengths to avoid direct questioning and conflict.  Ridiculous lengths, really.

I’ve mentioned before that my social quotient lies along the autistic spectrum.  Whilst I know how to say a variety of things in many different languages, the art of spoken communication often eludes me.  I miss social cues that others take for granted and become overwhelmed easily.  Having been screamed at for so many years with verbal and emotional abuse rained down (intended or not), the sound of raised voices shuts me right down, and I will do whatever I need to to get out of the situation.  The internal voices?  Yes, they rage, often for days after as I second-guess myself after such an event.  And I become quieter, and more withdrawn, seeking not to provoke further negative attention.

I know I’ve asked this question of myself before but it bears looking into again; is that why I identify as submissive? Coincidently enough, I answered a relationship discussion question this week with the D/s dynamic in mind:

What are the different types of relationships established through relational control?


Relational control is one of three social dimensions proposed by Millar & Rogers in 1987 and represents a distancing between persons in an ongoing interaction as the relationship is defined (International Encyclopedia of Communication Online, 2008). The different types of relationships that are established through this control depend on the balance that is reached in this dynamic dimension, and on the state of the other two dimensions, trust and intimacy.

One relationship dynamic that pops straight to mind is that of dominance/submission. The dominant person has control of the relationship, provides its direction and structure. The submissive person accepts direction and responds accordingly. It is not that the submissive person has no control (could simply walk away) or input into the relationship, merely that direction is granted to the dominant partner. In a healthy relationship, the needs of both partners are met in this dynamic. Communication is usually open and straightforward.

A subset of this dynamic is the therapeutic relationship; the client/patient is usually the submissive partner while the therapist/physician/nurse has the dominant role. This dynamic may be switched around, especially toward the end of the relationship as the client/patient gains control over the problem that led to the formation of the relationship in the first place.

A far less healthy relationship is that of passive/aggressive partners. Usually there is a hidden agenda on one or both parts; while one clearly directs the relationship and the other relinquishes control, usually only the needs of the aggressive one are fully met. A therapeutic relationship built on this dynamic will not be successful.


So, no… at least not since I’ve begun exploring my latent sexuality, begun to learn what I really like and want.  Yes, I had most definitely been passive in the bedroom in the past, trying to anticipate what my partner wanted but being hesitant to explore, feeling I had to be respectable, not sluttish.  All those years feeling repressed and afraid of rejection… and watching them all walk away because I couldn’t understand, couldn’t be what they wanted, whatever it was.  But none of that was submission.  I do wish that I had been ‘shown the ropes’ much earlier…. that my fears back then had been allayed… that I had been better socialised to feel more confident about what I could ‘bring to the table’ and just let my inhibitions go.

I should say that I am better socialised now than I was in my teens and twenties.  I have friends who know me well and know how to quickly draw me out of whatever ‘funk’ I’m in.  I am much more open-minded and enjoy discovering just how kinky I really am.  And I am eager to learn more…

I do need to keep guard that I do not become passive, that I speak up and am mindful of my limits, so that I can ‘let go’ safely.  Hopefully someday I can get it right.

International Encyclopedia of Communication Online. (2008). Relational control. Retrieved from http://www.communicationencyclopedia.com/public/tocnode?id=g9781405131995_yr2011_chunk_g978140513199523_ss23-1

O’Neill, L. & Hansten, R. (2009). Know how to communicate. In Hansten, R. & Jackson, M. (Eds.). Clinical Delegation Skills: A handbook for professional practice (4th ed.). Sudbury, MA: Jones & Bartlett.

Sinful Sunday: The Position

When I'm scening, I've been working on taking my time and enjoying it... and I'm learning I can cum in a variety of positions.

But at those times when you have exactly 2.4 minutes to get off, don't you go for the position you were in when you first discovered how to do it?

For me, it was on my belly rubbing off against a pile of something soft...

Building quickly with minimal imagery to climax

And melting boneless, gasping, into the floor...

I also participate in Wanton Wednesday and Half-Nekkid Thursday... I'll show you then what I did out of doors during this playtime...

See who else is being sinful...

Disorders of Personality: Kink?

I am not a psych nurse, despite the fact that more than half of the patients on my caseload have a psychiatric diagnosis.  My folks with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) are all quite psychiatrically involved in fact, and time spent around them can be quite lively.  There was a time when I did not deal well with ‘the headgames’ as I called them… but as my clinical expertise grew I’ve become more comfortable and even enjoy certain aspects of the therapeutic dynamic I share with those in my caseload.  I might even admit to being fascinated by some of the theory concerning altered thought processes and how they manifest themselves in behaviour.  But… just bear in mind that I am far more of an expert in therapeutic/medical areas other than psych, and so my observations on things psychiatric are just mine personally rather than those of a seasoned clinician.

That said, last weekend at my national specialty conference I attended a two-part session on Personality Disorders to gain some insight, as several of my patients have that diagnosis and it’s rather frustrating to deal with.  However, my kinky li’l brain could not help but be struck on how much similarity a couple of the disorders held to some Dominants I have run across and the Dominant personality in general as I understand it.

Now, before y’all come after me with whips, canes, and nine irons, I am not labelling anyone here… I am simply pointing out something I found interesting.  I’m only too aware of my own issues to wish anyone else to feel stigmatised.  But if it hits the nail on the head for someone… well, it’s just food for thought.

Whilst personality traits appear to be genetic, personality disorders are fixed patterns of behaviour theoretically brought about when a susceptible individual is exposed to abuse, neglect, or shame at a particular developmental level within the first five years of life; the emotional system is changed by the ego (unconscious) awareness for self-protection.  The patterns are observed in communication (impaired), general affect (may be incongruous with actions), impulse control (or lack thereof), compliance (or lack thereof) and relationships.  The need to be in control greatly affects how they interact with others as an automatic defence mechanism; emotional boundaries have been damaged and so control is used instead of trust to deal with others.  Perspective is altered and they see others, the world, and themselves differently.

There are several different types of personality disorders; the person presenting the material had them grouped in three clusters based on developmental level (she went by the first three of Erik Erikson’s Developmental Stages).  Therefore, if the abuse/neglect/shame happened at the Trust vs. Mistrust stage it could generate the paranoid, the schizoid, or the schizotypal personality disorders; if it happened at the Autonomy vs. Shame stage the victim could become histrionic, narcissistic, antisocial, or borderline; and if it happened at the Initiative vs. Guilt stage the personality disorders could be either avoidant, dependent, co-dependent, or obsessive-compulsive.

Two of the personality disorders rather rang a bell for me.  Narcissistic personality disorder is characterised by a grandiose sense of self-importance and fantasies of power, requiring constant attention; response to criticism evokes either indifference or rage; there are disturbances in interpersonal relationships due to exploitation and lack of empathy.  Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is defined by the exhibition of at least four of the following: inability to express warm emotion, perfectionism, submission of others, excessive devotion to work, indecisiveness.

Again, not pigeon-holing anyone… but in my travels and my reading I have run across several Doms who would fall into one or the other description.  My understanding of the Dominant personality is one who requires respect and often specific protocol as the interaction dynamic, requires submission and control be yielded to Him/Her, is often seen as cool/distant, is a perfectionist, and often treats the submissive as an object rather than a feeling person.

Of course, I invite debate/discussion on this.  Recently, I saw something in one of the FetLife discussion threads to the effect that men are hard-wired to be dominant and women are hard-wired to be submissive; I vehemently disagree.  Dominant/submissive may indeed be simply personality traits that are genetic (but not gender-linked!) in nature, much like sexuality itself.  I submit that they may also be the go-to dynamic for those who have weathered abuse, neglect, or shame, whether it be a full-blown personality disorder or not.

Interestingly enough, I did not consider the dependent personality disorder to be sufficient explanation for submission, likely because we submissives are usually quite competent and self-sufficient in the day-to-day; we only relinquish control under certain conditions. I do hear story after story of past trauma in reading the FetLife discussion threads, and maybe that history combined with a personality trait can be responsible for generating a submissive tendency.  I’ve often heard it said that we are actually the ones with all of the control… ;)