Passivity versus Submission

I've finished all of my schoolwork for the week, so now I can really let loose and enjoy this weekend of playing with ropes of a different sort. :)





I'm in a theatrical production this weekend, not as an actor but behind the scenes, hauling scene drops up and down and directing the tech crew on stage left.  Great fun!! if a bit bruising...


And oh!  I'm left with some time to think... always dangerous... ;)

The course I’m currently studying in school is on health care communication.  I knew it would be enlightening in some respects, as effective communication is something I have worked on (and struggled with) for many years, though I feel I have professional communication fairly nailed solid.

My reading this week brought me up short… specifically this paragraph from one of my texts:

“Although it is not advisable or even possible to deal with every conflict

situation, a habitually passive response stems from a number of feelings,

including fear, anxiety, timidity, inhibition, hurt, self-denial, helplessness,

and physical and emotional stress. If words are spoken they are often not

reflective of the actual thoughts or feelings of the passive individual, adding

an element of emotional dishonesty to the communication. Internally, an

intense dialogue rages, with repeated replaying of the situation and various

alternate responses that the passive person could have given.

The costs of habitually passive behaviour include lowering of self-esteem

and self-confidence, a negative self-image, avoidance of responsibility

for the quality of one’s relationships and life, and lost opportunities

to develop skills in managing conflict and resolving issues. Problems

are not faced or solved. Consequently they multiply at the feet of the

passive communicator.” (O’Neill & Hansten, 2009, p. 279)

Thump.  That, in a nutshell, is my ‘habitual pattern.’  Not the case professionally to be sure; I usually have no trouble expressing myself adequately there unless someone is directly confronting me on a negative personal note.  There’s something about advocating for more vulnerable parties (the people I serve) that brings out the assertive tendencies in me.  But on a personal front I am eager to please others, often at the expense of my self, and will go to great lengths to avoid direct questioning and conflict.  Ridiculous lengths, really.

I’ve mentioned before that my social quotient lies along the autistic spectrum.  Whilst I know how to say a variety of things in many different languages, the art of spoken communication often eludes me.  I miss social cues that others take for granted and become overwhelmed easily.  Having been screamed at for so many years with verbal and emotional abuse rained down (intended or not), the sound of raised voices shuts me right down, and I will do whatever I need to to get out of the situation.  The internal voices?  Yes, they rage, often for days after as I second-guess myself after such an event.  And I become quieter, and more withdrawn, seeking not to provoke further negative attention.

I know I’ve asked this question of myself before but it bears looking into again; is that why I identify as submissive? Coincidently enough, I answered a relationship discussion question this week with the D/s dynamic in mind:

What are the different types of relationships established through relational control?


Relational control is one of three social dimensions proposed by Millar & Rogers in 1987 and represents a distancing between persons in an ongoing interaction as the relationship is defined (International Encyclopedia of Communication Online, 2008). The different types of relationships that are established through this control depend on the balance that is reached in this dynamic dimension, and on the state of the other two dimensions, trust and intimacy.

One relationship dynamic that pops straight to mind is that of dominance/submission. The dominant person has control of the relationship, provides its direction and structure. The submissive person accepts direction and responds accordingly. It is not that the submissive person has no control (could simply walk away) or input into the relationship, merely that direction is granted to the dominant partner. In a healthy relationship, the needs of both partners are met in this dynamic. Communication is usually open and straightforward.

A subset of this dynamic is the therapeutic relationship; the client/patient is usually the submissive partner while the therapist/physician/nurse has the dominant role. This dynamic may be switched around, especially toward the end of the relationship as the client/patient gains control over the problem that led to the formation of the relationship in the first place.

A far less healthy relationship is that of passive/aggressive partners. Usually there is a hidden agenda on one or both parts; while one clearly directs the relationship and the other relinquishes control, usually only the needs of the aggressive one are fully met. A therapeutic relationship built on this dynamic will not be successful.


So, no… at least not since I’ve begun exploring my latent sexuality, begun to learn what I really like and want.  Yes, I had most definitely been passive in the bedroom in the past, trying to anticipate what my partner wanted but being hesitant to explore, feeling I had to be respectable, not sluttish.  All those years feeling repressed and afraid of rejection… and watching them all walk away because I couldn’t understand, couldn’t be what they wanted, whatever it was.  But none of that was submission.  I do wish that I had been ‘shown the ropes’ much earlier…. that my fears back then had been allayed… that I had been better socialised to feel more confident about what I could ‘bring to the table’ and just let my inhibitions go.

I should say that I am better socialised now than I was in my teens and twenties.  I have friends who know me well and know how to quickly draw me out of whatever ‘funk’ I’m in.  I am much more open-minded and enjoy discovering just how kinky I really am.  And I am eager to learn more…

I do need to keep guard that I do not become passive, that I speak up and am mindful of my limits, so that I can ‘let go’ safely.  Hopefully someday I can get it right.

International Encyclopedia of Communication Online. (2008). Relational control. Retrieved from http://www.communicationencyclopedia.com/public/tocnode?id=g9781405131995_yr2011_chunk_g978140513199523_ss23-1

O’Neill, L. & Hansten, R. (2009). Know how to communicate. In Hansten, R. & Jackson, M. (Eds.). Clinical Delegation Skills: A handbook for professional practice (4th ed.). Sudbury, MA: Jones & Bartlett.