Bloody Hell

Oh my! such language for a sweet, innocent Dragon such as myself…

Actually it more accurately describes the situation I have found myself to be in these past several months, a situation I hope will be resolved soon.  It started off with a bang and has gained momentum over time, to the point where fairly drastic action is to be taken.

For those who get squicked out at the sight or mention of blood, this is your cue to move along – nothing to see here ;)

La la la

I make it a point not to complain about aches and pains, or to discuss personal health history in any great detail.  Whilst I have talked about the infertility issues, it was with regard to my sexual history and their effect on it.  I have gone out of my way not to discuss the current issue other than an occasional frustrated comment; I discuss it more fully at this time because of the steps I am now taking, the fact that I have literally no one I can talk to in real time about this and I am very much in need of catharsis, and the fact that it will most definitely directly impact my sexual activity for the immediate future (though I pray not in the long-term).

I’ve made mention before of my monthly cycle being off-kilter.  In chronological years, one would predict that I’m close to menopause.  One would expect that that would bring hormonal changes, perhaps a drop in libido, the ‘flow’ times would get fewer and farther between, et cetera.

In my case, it has been quite the opposite.  I ended up in the ED late last year with heavy bleeding (gushes, really) passing huge clots and ‘greying out’ a bit when I stood up.  Turns out I was quite anaemic, within a hair’s breadth of needing a transfusion, and so mass doses of iron were added daily.  Hormone medication to try to stop the bleeding was unsuccessful and I ended up in the operating room for dilation and curettage.  Flow was back a month later, started staying longer, and started coming back every two weeks.  I was experiencing wild mood swings from the hormonal storm going on and my libido has been off the charts.  The nice doctor hasn’t appeared concerned about the bleeding et cetera at all, but has been following a cyst that was found when I went to the ED and so I’ve been tracked for that every couple of months.

The ‘flow’ was mercifully absent the day I had my real live session with a Dom back in mid-April.  It re-visited the very next day, and like some terrible houseguest it stayed for two months solid.  Full on.  When the clots started passing again along about week four, I told the nice doctor I really felt we needed to do something (she was trying to ‘wait it out’, telling me I must be close to that magical Menopause, if I could just hold on!).  We discussed a few options; because of peculiarities in my anatomy certain lesser procedures are off the table for me, so really a hysterectomy would be the only fix.  We agreed to wait until the next follow-up to speak further.

Wouldn’t you know, shortly before the next follow-up, the bleeding finally petered out and stopped.  Having just been through bloody hell, however, and seeing it only get worse each time, I was quite ready to discuss getting the hysterectomy done.  I just can’t keep going like this.

The nice doctor, seeing that the bleeding had stopped and that the cyst has been behaving, was all for another period of ‘wait-and-see’.  Hell, no!! I quickly disabused her of that notion, and we talked more about what would need to be done.  She reviewed the lesser options again and why they were not appropriate for me, then we started to talk about what having a hysterectomy would entail.  Because of the fact that all of the kids were delivered by C-section (well, the triplets weren’t but they weren’t big enough to stretch me apparently), I am not a candidate for the vaginal approach.  Further, because of my abdominal surgical history, I am not a candidate for laparoscopy as far as this procedure is concerned.  Therefore, it is to be an open abdominal affair, which adds weeks to the recovery time; they need to take the cervix to ensure that there is no more chance of dysfunctional bleeding, but can likely leave at least one if not both ovaries behind.

I will likely be several days in the hospital and then home for several weeks.  No activities involving penetration for six weeks or more (I need to clarify whether I’m still allowed to orgasm in that time frame! can’t imagine going six weeks without that!!).

I’m not concerned about ‘being neutered.’  For me, that ship sailed a long time ago, I’ve dealt with that emotional roller coaster and do not feel as less than a woman simply because I cannot procreate.  I am concerned about my libido… whilst I can do without the hormonal storm I’ve had these past several months, I don’t want to totally lose the drive either.  Hopefully I can indeed retain at least one ovary.

The prospect of yet another surgical procedure doesn’t scare me.  I’ve had enough procedures in the past that I know what to expect as far as all that goes.

I have not been able to discuss it with anyone.  No one in my family knows.  Hell, Taz doesn’t know.  This was for a couple reasons, really.  He tends to tell his family everything and I did not wish to become a topic of discussion, have to hear of others’ past experiences, and have to answer direct questions about it.  The other reason is that he has had no interest in what goes on between my legs in so long, I felt no need to broach the subject even were I not concerned about prying questions.

Obviously, I need to let on fairly soon because it will affect the family schedule.  Not looking forward to that conversation.

The date for surgery has been set for mid-July.  This blog will likely go dark for a week in there; not sure if I will pre-schedule any posts to run in my absence or not.

I would dearly love to have the house to myself to be able to do some real scening with all my favourite sensation toys before I’m on enforced restriction, but it’s not looking good for that.  My ears actually perked up when Taz mentioned having to bring one of the kids to NJ for camp this coming weekend; I thought maybe he’d take the crew and make a weekend of it but he opted to just take a day trip and leave the other two back. *sigh*

 I've been doing some little playing at night, though it's been rough being so bloody tired (there! that was an epithet, I submit to spanking now LOL).  These past couple weeks I've had fun playing with the camera and I'll likely do more of that in the coming weeks; it feels naughty to sneak around downstairs after the kids have gone to bed and set up scenes for photography.

Glass half-full... and yes, catharsis works!!