Walking the Line 'Twixt Fire and Fear

Some time ago I mentioned my garage door’s ED problem.  The motor finally quit – on what was probably the coldest day of the winter – forcing me not only to have to climb out of my nice warm car to get it up and ease it down, but to have to really work for it in order to have it happen (reminding me of the times I needed to practically put on a floor show to get swimmers for the IVF procedures)!  I had to put up with that for a couple of weeks until FINALLY this past weekend a new implant was installed.  That’s one snatch-and-jerk I’m happy to be done with!

So last night I decided to play with fire and try out some wax dripping.  I had picked up several yahrzeit candles from the grocery store as well as a taller paraffin jar candle and had planned to alternate dripping with ice.  However, after falling asleep on the couch over my math assignment before finally finishing it and stumbling up the stairs, I forgot to bring ice up and was too embarrassed to come crawling back and try to get it with Taz sitting right there.  Ah well, next time, perhaps with some candles that have more of a bite.  White paraffin is a good beginner for hot wax, but I’m hoping to move beyond that after some more practice.

The session went really, really well… I wish it could have gone on for longer but it was already quite late and 4am comes early!  I started on an area that feels touch and pressure but not temperature or pain, just to get used to the idea of watching myself deliberately pouring the wax onto myself.

From there I moved farther up the leg and to the inside, eventually getting up to the groin.  From there I roamed across and was able to pour directly onto the clit area.  It felt wonderful… and yes, I took pics of that too, but not so ready to post those ;)

I kept it on for a bit then peeled it off and for the first time in a good while went to bed in only a nightgown, in order to better enjoy the sensitivity.  I was up for a bit after that… the kittens never stood a chance!

Speaking of candles, it is time to light a candle to mark the end of what might have been (?), but that – I believe – has died the good death.  My social experiment has ended; I had grown tired of trying to keep a relationship going and being shut down on every third email, so I decided to see what would happen if I simply… stopped.  I think after two weeks I have my answer.  Intermittent reinforcement only works so long; eventually the response is extinguished.  I’m sad it didn’t work out, as I felt it had potential; certainly I am grateful that, as painful as it was, he made me process my feelings concerning ‘taking it live’ and helped me to see how unhealthy being a sexual hermit can be.  But I gave it what I feel was my best shot at this time and it’s time to move on. 

Am I going to go running into anything else?  In a word, no.  Once again, any kind of trust I had about this sort of thing is shot; the idea of believing that someone could be patient enough for me to get past the fumbling has been made myth.  That said, I’m not going to give up and crawl back in my hole; I’m here to stay and I'm still keen to explore.  If someone approaches as a friend, takes the time, makes the connection and lets me find my stride, more power to that person!  I’d like to think I’m worth knowing.

I often laugh to myself that after this length of time, my hymen has probably grown back.  One thing I can say for sure, I have a good healthy set of pelvic floor muscles!  I had ordered some ben wa balls after reading about the benefits of regular use, and they were waiting in the post box for me when I checked today.  Shortly after I arrived home, I slipped them in… I’ve walked around, gone out and ran errands, sneezed, blew my nose… and no way are they coming back out by accident!! go me…

Performance High

There is something so freeing and empowering about adopting a character and bringing it to life on the stage.  Doubly so if one is rather painfully shy in real life.  (My theatre mates don’t see me as that at all, of course; they know what I’m capable of and they can access it rather quickly!)

I was so ‘into the feeling’ on opening night in fact, that I suffered a small emergency at intermission.  Thank goodness for a good buddy who’s also an EMT in the audience…  I retained enough coherence to have him summoned and he pulled me back up to snuff after a few harrowing minutes so the show could go on.  :s

The other part of riding that ‘rush’ is that it makes me want to ‘play’… unfortunately I was in no shape when I finally got home on opening night, so I had to table things until I had some sleep and real food.  The next day though… definitely on for some fun!!

It’s all about sensation this weekend!  While dressing I applied some medicated chest rub (read: menthol!) to the nether regions and reinforced the experience with a sanitary pad (nota bene guys, this is a trick we girls know – or should – in that the ‘leak guard’ protection in most of these pads keeps whatever you’ve applied to the genital area from leeching out and evaporating).  To fully reap the benefits of this ‘all-day’ experience, you occasionally ‘drop your drawers’, exposing the area to air, and when you pull your pants back up, voilà!   It’s as if you re-applied it… and if you’ve been sweating from your exertions, so much the better!

During the break between shows someone tossed me a couple (slightly used) chemical hand-warmers (the kind you activate and slip into your gloves)… after playing with them for a bit I tucked them into my bra, which felt quite good.  I didn’t realise until later – I popped them out at bedtime without looking, but when I took off my bra this morning to shower I noted that I've apparently been branded.  Ooops… :s

After the last show, we were out quite late to celebrate a good run.  Still, I was up for some fun when we got home… but not yet ready to tackle the big piece I’ve planned for (that will come tonight) so… welcome to more elements of my toy bag.  Yes, they have names… !  The ‘Rabbit’ doesn’t really see that much action unless I’m fairly patient.  The ‘Grape Lollipop’ (yes, it really smells like grape – WTF??!) is nice for practicing certain skills, but when I really want to get the job done? I reach for ‘Old Faithful’ :)

Tonight I plan to break out the candles and have a little fun with hot wax… perhaps there’ll be pictures…

Fade to Grey...

I’m looking sadly at my fingernails, which I’ve just stripped bare of their customary black polish.  No colour this week; it would be an anachronism in medieval times.  Of course, so would certain ear piercings… but that’s what hats are for!! LOL

Yes, Tech Week for a production set in medieval Transylvania has descended… and the rest of life goes on hold, fade to black.  Well, fade to grey actually, as certain elements of my life refuse to be ignored.  Work continues to be intense, schoolwork cannot be ignored, friends rescue me from oblivion.

To be sure, my exploration into sensation and kink this week will be slowed but not altogether halted.  I’m watching my PO box impatiently for some items to add to my toy bag, I’m looking forward to meeting someone later this week whom I’ve been talking with about some possible scenes, and I’m running a social experiment of sorts.  This last venture is not panning out well, not that I can say I’m surprised; I’ll report on it next week.

Oh, and I’ve adopted a new name, which I’ve made standard over the ‘kink’ sites that I frequent (FetLife, FetConnect, and Just Kinky) as well as here.  As I’ve started to become more comfortable with expressing this side of me, the name just sort of grew on me :)

Last but not least I’ve upgraded my camera somewhat; this thing has an ‘intelligent mode’ so I don’t have to guess about lighting versus shutter speed,  always good for the candid photography, nudge nudge wink wink (a nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat!).

Time to kick some medieval tail…

The Spice of Life

Attitudes are formed early.  Case in point (and one of my favourite ‘oh my, where did THAT come from?!’ stories): on a warm summer evening shortly after we moved to our current home (so the twins were 3 and their older sister almost 6), we were all in the kitchen getting ready for supper when my son said something over-the-top bossy to his twin.  I intervened immediately, mollifying the distraught little girl, and said reprovingly, “Hey, Bitty, just who is the boss around here when Daddy’s at work??”

The girls were helpfully pointing at me; he ignored them both and said with utter confidence, “I am!”

Taken aback, I could only say, “And just what makes you think that?”

His reply was immediate, confident, and lacking in pretence.  “Because I have a penis!!” (yes, my children know correct anatomical terms…)

Out of the mouths of babes… you can bet I called Taz PDQ and he was mystified as to where our little boy could have learned such a thing…

But then, look who they have for a mother… the very model of a spicy imp!! LOL... evenings are never dull around here...

Speaking of spice, a very good friend recently recommended trying ginger (and toothpaste) to spice things up in the sensations department, so I gamely decided to give it a go.

I didn’t immediately have ginger to hand, but tried the toothpaste from the master bath after my shower one morning, putting a good schmear around my clit and in the folds before getting dressed.

Peroxide + sodium bicarb + mint = a very intense reaction!! the party nearly started before I could get myself down the stairs to a private area.  The orgasms came quickly and with more force than usual (vaginal rather than clitoral) and I was also way more vocal than I’ve been of late.  All in all, a stunning success, and there was still the ginger to add.

I stopped in a market during my travels that day and picked up a few fingers of ginger root that were already pre-cut (though I still had to skin one that evening for use).  When I was finally alone for the night, I prepared the ginger in the kitchen (the smell was heavenly!) and brought it up to the bedroom to soak in a cup of cold water whilst I prepared for bed.  The finger was slim enough to slide home fairly easily without lube for this anal novice; I applied more toothpaste as I had that morning and took myself to bed to play for a bit.

The effect of the ginger appeared to be subtle and I was afraid that the intensity of the toothpaste was overwhelming it… but I was really enjoying myself… so it was a good twenty minutes before I finally padded back to the bathroom and flushed the root down the hopper, feeling tingly all over.

The next morning… I was still tingly, and it was not just the toothpaste.  The ‘spicy’ feeling lasted into the afternoon before finally fading.

I still have a couple fingers of ginger left to go again…

Tom’s of Maine used to market a ginger toothpaste, but stopped making it for whatever reason.  I decided to try powdered ginger folded into what – I thought – was a subtler brand of their toothpaste this morning than the brand I had used previously.  Uuuuhhhh… Tom’s of Maine plain mint is not a subtle toothpaste apparently; though it lacks the strong chemicals I was trying to avoid it still packs quite a punch!  My body’s response was phenomenal, even with a tampon in place.  The ginger was a nice added touch; I felt it even after the toothpaste wore off again.

Thinking on the next try I’ll go for Tom's strawberry toothpaste and ginger with the ginger plug…

Pierce Me to the Heart

Twelve straight working days of high clinical intensity.  Personal angst.  General frustration.  These factors combined pretty much pushed me over the edge yesterday afternoon to take the next planned piercing out of the To Be Determined category and place it straight into the Must Do Now queue.

To be sure, I’d been considering it for a good bit of time.  Usually I’ve waited about a year between piercings since I originally added a second set of earlobe piercings when I turned 45.  Ayep, such a rebel, I… against adding years? or of starting to break that archetype of The Good Little Girl?  Perhaps… though the tongue piercing was done out of phase of that cycle and had more to do with what I was going through at the time (cancer scare) as a form of diversion/distraction.

In any event, a mere two months since my last piercing (the two rings in the top of my left ear) had passed when I headed back to the same place to pierce again (and again, haha, as this would also be a double piercing).

I had decided this time ‘round I would pierce my nipples and put captive bead rings in them.  This was partially inspired by a bit of erotic fiction I had read last year and heavily reinforced by a novel I’ve just finished reading by my favourite erotic author.  In part I became intrigued by the concept of having the piercing done as much as the sensation of the healed piercings used in play.  I did some research on nipple piercings, including reading postings on fetlife where people described having it done so that I would be as prepared as could be for what was entailed.

On the way to Ye Olde Tattoo & Piercing Shoppe (no, not its real name!! LOL) I took time to focus on my body’s reaction to the impending assault and battery.  I was definitely reacting to this more than I had to any proposed piercing in the past.

There was a healthy dose of fear, not so much for the pain that would be involved as for the thought of marking an intimate area.  Oh my, was I going to be embarrassed to ask for what I wanted?

There was also a large measure of arousal.  Part of that could have been the time of day (mid-afternoon, a natural high point as I’ve mentioned before).  And of course the intended objects of piercing had something to do with it :)

When I arrived the place was quiet with a lone young male behind the counter.  Lovely.  We exchanged pleasantries and I inquired about pricing.  I was somewhat surprised to discover that here, at least, one is charged for the set of two rather than considering them separately.

Once that was settled I waited while he went back to set up before following him to the piercing area.  He waited while I stripped to the waist (which I managed with an almost zero sense of self-consciousness, amazingly enough) then did measurements and pre-marking, having me check in the mirror to be sure I was satisfied with the proposed placement.  He explained the reason for going with bars first (cleaner healing); I’ll be switching to rings in a few weeks (going for the ones pictured at the start of this post -- and yes, pics will be forthcoming!).  Of course he was curious about how long I had been considering doing this (I’m sure he doesn’t get many people like me getting this done!) and what my motivations were.

Finally I lay on the table to get the first bar inserted.  The nipple was clamped first (a minor pinch), three deep breaths and here we go with the needle.  Make no mistake about it, the pain was white-hot and I screamed, ending on an epithet.  Several more deep breaths were needed as the needle was withdrawn and the bar placed and tightened.  He let me up after that for a breather and to check final placement in the mirror.

After a few minutes I was ready to give the second one a go.  It was of course just as painful and I screamed again (rather cathartic really) but with no oath this time.  And despite how emo/hormonal I’ve been all week? nary a tear.  Go me.

Aftercare is nothing beyond what I’m used to following a piercing (though this is the first time I’ve had any that bled).  I put on a cold gel pack when I first arrived home, but haven’t needed anything stronger than acetaminophen since then.

When I had my tongue pierced, I didn’t bother telling my family and no one noticed until several days later (the kids finally noticed I was talking funny because the tongue swells briefly).  I’m taking bets as to when anyone will notice this latest piercing, any takers?

Overall, I’m pleased that I’ve taken this step.  I can’t wait until it heals and I’m able to play with it.

Boundaries of Affection

Yes, it’s dangerous when I think… LOL

My family was fairly non-demonstrative when I was growing up.  Immediate family hugged hello, hugged or kissed goodbye (kissing was NEVER on the lips!); when we were being tucked in we were kissed good night but that stopped when we began getting ready for bed by ourselves.  If we needed extra affection we asked for a hug; otherwise we rarely touched each other (except that fun sibling stuff).  When we met people outside the family we nodded hello or shook hands.

I don’t remember it being much different with my first marriage, other than learning to give my in-laws kisses on the lips in greeting.  It wasn’t until my second marriage that I realised I have issues with personal space.  I won’t go into specifics but let’s just say that I flinch badly when I’m touched under less-than-ideal conditions, not at all voluntarily, and that does not fly well with those who don’t know me well.  Now, that being said, if I’m prepared for being touched there’s no problem; I can turn off that switch, so that’s good.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy being touched; it has more to do ‘being in the moment’ as opposed to being out of sync… and I’m likely making no sense here.  More on that in a bit…

One of the elements I noted in my readings of erotic fiction was the boundary between one-night stands and relationships and what that meant for the acts of kissing, oral sex, and penetrative intercourse.  The characters who engaged in one-night stands often had a boundary that they would not cross to delineate casual versus committed relationships, and that boundary was evenly divided between open-mouthed kissing and the receiving of penetrative intercourse.  Oral sex however, seemed to be just fine… with no intimacy attached to the act.  I’m aware that many (including past US President Clinton) don’t include oral sex in the definition of sexual intercourse; I even appreciate that there’s a different level that is reached in penetrative intercourse not attained through oral, though I would have precious little practical experience to go by.

For whatever reason, oral sex just never happened in my world… I can count on one hand the times I gave it, and I was never on the receiving end.  Anal sex? nope, I’m still a virgin that way too.  The casual experiences I have had outside of marriage, as well as that within that contract, both male and female, have mainly consisted of penetrative vaginal intercourse.

Kissing, though?  The idea of kissing on the lips as a formal barrier between ‘casual’ and committed’… that I could assimilate easily into my construct of what boundaries were appropriate to draw between the two.  In my world, kissing on the lips is an extremely intimate act (open-mouth kissing even more so), only to be done for family and committed relationships.  That said, the ‘casual’ relationships during my first marriage were with very good friends, so yes… we kissed.

But in preparing for this world of kink?  It was very definitely a barrier.  Based on what I read, I accepted that kissing was ‘off the table’ and I was perfectly fine with that.  Welcomed it, even.

The first night that Daddy ended a chat with ‘Hug and kiss’… I stared at the screen stupidly for several moments before evading by typing ‘tight hugs’.  I just didn’t know how to respond.

He persisted though, not addressing it in any manner but to say it at the end of a chat session.  I continued to fumble.  Why?  Well, my perception of this limit… the fact that we had moved rather quickly… my mind was still spinning.

Now, he had warned me that he was orally fixated… and that he wanted only an exclusive relationship… so those should have been considerations for me.  They are now.  But I literally balked, right up until the time he actually kissed me when we were finally together, because it was that strong of a barrier for me.  I type it for him now.

My other big barrier has been that I need a long time to ‘warm up’ to people.  The physical relationships I’ve had (with the exception of one that went very, very badly) have been with people that I’ve known for some time.  I don’t do ‘hook-ups’ or ‘pick-ups’ with just anyone.

Bottom line? I’ve been warring with myself, a continuing process it seems as I seek to define what is acceptable outside of the absolute zero I am experiencing in the marital bedroom.  I will not leave my husband; we have too much between us despite the lack of sexual communication (which admittedly affects every other area of our life together, at least from my perspective).  I do not wish to hurt him, but I cannot go on as I have been, as it’s starting to leech into other aspects of my day-to-day in what I consider unacceptable ways.  My libido is just too high to ignore.

I am monogamous by nature, and I cannot separate emotions from the physical acts of sexual expression.  I can, however attempt to define and delineate those emotions, as I did in the past when I had those Bis-sanctioned relationships.  At least I hope I can continue to do so, as I’m aware that by giving my Daddy access to my sexual nature that emotions are going to come into play.

I am very careful about the word “love” as I believe it’s bandied about too much without due consideration.  There is the Love of a marital union (which should always be there or the two have no business being together).  There is the love I have for my children, my legacy, my future.  There is the love for family, both blood kin and extended relations.  And there is the love of friends who share a special bond, be it sexual expression or kindred souls.  My mother also taught me that there is “like” and that you can like someone without loving them (and conversely, love someone without liking them!! aka ‘obligatory love’).  I believe I have those classifications firmly in mind.  The last thing I would ever want to have happen is a “blurring” of those lines when/if sexual expression was to reach such a height that it ignited emotional response.

I’m also aware of the emotion and the dynamics of jealousy, and that my perceptions of a situation may well not be someone else’s.  I constantly have to check to be sure that my perceptions are valid, that I’m seeing a situation clearly.  I’m hampered in this by my inability to process many social cues in real time.  For those who are familiar with autism, I have been formally tested as falling within the spectrum, though I don’t care for the label.  I function well in society and at my chosen profession (which I am well-suited for, and I love what I do), and I have good friends.  If I am doomed to never having a fulfilling sexual relationship then so be it, but it won’t be for lack of trying to have it in a way I can live with.

I welcome discussions and alternative perceptions as I continue to process my journey.  There is so much I am learning about myself on the way to exploring what’s out there!!

The Toy Bag

I’ve always been rather “loose” in the joints, and as I’m proving here, I can bring certain unconventional body parts in range of my mouth (can also lick my elbow and suck my toes, go me!).  I cannot get to the juncture of the thighs, however, and more’s the pity.  Imagine for a moment if we all could do that, much as a cat does… *eyes glaze over*

The “solo fun” has started… and I might snap pics along the way… I’ve not been much for such photography in the past, but I find I’m appreciating more imagery these days that I’m seeing around me, and it was certainly fun trying to pose for the pic above.  One pic (or several!) I’m absolutely looking forward to snapping is when I try some shibari for the first time; I was talking to a gentleman online about it, and he kindly gave me information on the proper size and length of rope as well as a good link to more information.  I’m waiting for my rope to arrive now, very exciting!  Granted, it’s usually done with a partner, but in watching a video of the making of a body harness I realised that that at least I could do on my own.  Tying knots is something I do well; I’m rather infamous for it, actually…

Other items in the “Toy Bag” so far include a set of trainer plugs and anal beads, as well as a few dildoes and bullets (vibrating, natch!).  Still looking about for my scalpel set… the kids haven’t started practicing vivisection (yet) so I know it hasn’t fallen into their hands at least.

I’m not one for clamps of any kind, but I am strongly considering some rings in key places with fine chain that could go through them.  My breastfeeding days are done, so I’m not worried about the scarring I’ve heard mentioned; I’m still considering how I want to proceed “below the belt.”  Right now I’m waiting to make sure I won’t need a bit more surgery in the near future; a friend mentioned how an intimate piercing was removed without her knowledge during a routine (but sedated) procedure and I did have a bit of a fight with the OR staff for some jewellery I wasn’t willing to remove for my last sojourn under the knife.  It takes piercings some time to “fix” and I wouldn’t want to risk having one close up before I could get something re-inserted.

So I’ve got a good start lined up, I think… granted there are many things that don’t translate well to solo… one can’t ever tickle oneself, for example.  But I’m hoping it’s enough to get some exploration started, gain some experience and confidence, and have fun in the process.

Dark Side of the Moon

Our garage door is suffering from erectile dysfunction in this cold weather.  The remote part is functioning just fine, but the door keeps getting stuck at half-mast, forcing me to get out of my nice warm car to get it up.  We’ve tried lubing it up with WD-40, and that worked for a couple days, but apparently that was not sufficient.  Damn high maintenance door!

I was standing in the shower the other day, mulling over my predilection for knife play (how very Norman Bates of me, I know).

Hmmmn… what follows is not for the squeamish.  If you do not have the stomach for the blood and guts of the medical field, you may wish to skip this post.  Consider yourself warned.

When I was in high school and college, I was usually the lab partner who actually did the animal dissections whilst the person beside me cringed and gagged, and I was also the one who usually double-pithed everyone else’s frogs for them because they couldn’t stand to do it.  No, I’m not into animal cruelty; this was done in the name of science, as valuable things can be learned from the vivisection of frogs.

In the nursing program, one of my favourite clinical rotations was going into the OR to observe surgeries.  I saw some fantastic procedures; one that sticks out in my mind was a woman with rectal cancer.  The surgeon gave her a permanent colostomy and then excised the rectum and literally sewed the butt shut.  There was cautery involved (think human barbecue) as well as a Really Big (!) suturing hook and the surgical team kept looking over at me nervously, likely waiting for me to hit the floor or throw up or something.  Instead I was standing eagerly just behind the surgeon’s elbow with a wicked grin plastered on my face, I think I may have even been drooling a bit, having the time of my life.

Does this mean I could cut into another person, or have someone cut into me?

As a nurse, I seem to be a magnet for everyone to tell me of their aches and pains, and can I look at thus-and-so for them?  My stock answer is to tell them that I could fix that for them if they’d only let me operate on them, that I must have my rusty scalpels around somewhere.  Sometimes for extra effect I wave my copy of Brain Surgery For Dummies about, and say excitedly that I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to practice.  Yes, I have a very dark sense of humour…

For myself, I’m certainly no stranger to surgeries – was just ‘under the knife’ last month in fact – but I don’t believe that rates in the same category as handing a knife or scalpel over to someone and saying, “Have at!!” while I’m still conscious.  Over the years I’ve developed a certain Zen towards the necessary evil of medical procedures, with the possible exception of blood draws… my veins literally collapse and disappear when they see a needle coming in for the suck, hahaha.  I have willingly subjected myself for piercings on several occasions, though; three in each earlobe, two on the upper edge of my left ear, and my tongue, with others being planned in the future in places the casual observer would not see.  No tats, that’s just too permanent for my liking.  I did perform some cutting in my high school years, but really didn’t know what I was doing and luckily those scars have long since healed.

I suppose, given the right circumstances and a certain level of trust, I might allow someone to do that.  And perform it in return, if asked.  I might even get excited about it.  That scares me a little, which I would think is a good thing.

Would I do it again as a solo activity?  I don’t know yet.  I’m starting to line up some activities to try on my own for the sake of the sensation.  I do have a scalpel set around somewhere from my dissection days, so we’ll see…

Sensation vs. Imagination

One might think, for the length of time that I’ve been going at it solo, that I would have a good understanding of my body and what feels good – but that would be a terribly wrong assumption.  In truth, I’m all about the mental imagery.  Usually I’m looking to get off as fast as I can, so I go for the tried-and-true position (sprawled on my belly), shut my eyes and hold on to a particular image (or set of images) – usually from something I’ve just been reading – then just go all out until I’m gasping for breath a minute or two later.  The images I get need to be damn graphic, as over time I’m beginning to forget what things look like, feel like, sound like, smell like, taste like… yeah, it’s pathetic.

One sensation that has always been a true thrill, however, is vibration.  The co-eds and wives perched on top of washing machines had a point!  The use of a vibrator, placed just so, really does make the orgasm much more intense for me when I care to use it.  Of course, it can also work to frustrate me; torture for me right now is that the circadian rhythm of my libido seems to peak in the mid-afternoon, typically as I’m commuting home… ‘trapped’ in the car for between 45minutes to an hour and change, and said car needs a new muffler.  By the time I get home I’m so worked up I’m nearly insane… and it’s not a guaranteed thing that I can do anything about it, especially if I’m late getting home, as Taz has to rush right out the door, leaving me with kids and evening responsibilities to deal with. :s

I say that vibration has always been a true thrill because I've used it for ages to heighten experiences... I suppose you could call it a fetish of sorts.  I usually boost the bass register when I'm listening to music to get a more intense experience... really good drum sections can make me melt.  When we're around the piano for rehearsals, I often put my hand on the piano to 'hear' the music better.

I reviewed some writings for a friend several months back, who's been working on a really great science fiction novel for some time, and chuckled over the one sex scene he had included.  He's apparently a 'breast' man and was waxing eloquent about how responsive the lady was to the attention... the thought was just totally foreign to me.  Really, the only attention I'd ever paid mine was when I was breastfeeding; I'd never seen them as erotic.  I stopped short of saying anything to my friend, though, figuring that I was the one with the problem, not him.  Subsequently, I started to take more notice when breasts were mentioned in my *ahem* other reading, and what people did with them.  On a couple of occasions during my solo romps I've tried a couple of things I've read about and damn... I obviously need to explore more!  I feel a little weird about doing that, but hey, it's not as if anyone's watching...

And so, one of my resolutions this year will be to take the time to experiment with other sensations to other body parts/areas to see how my body reacts.  Who knows, it might come in handy some day ;)

Mythical Creatures and Kink

Prepare to open multiple tabs in your browser, I’m taking you on a bit of a journey… you'll need to right-click and select a new tab for the links, since I'm still getting the hang of this blog editor!

I am a HUGE science fiction and fantasy fan, practically from the time I learned to read.  Part of the fun of fantasy is the mythological creatures, and I have always had a ‘thing’ for unicorns, dragons, elves, werewolves and vampires.  What does this say about me?  Apparently that I’m quite kinky, if one does any research online… oh my!!

I collect unicorns in several different media, and draw them as well.  Hey, if I can still see them, I must be a virgin, right? LOL

But then you have to wonder… what about all the ‘horny’ jokes?  And just what would happen if you typed ‘unicorn sex’ into Google (aka My Very Favourite Search Engine)?

Uummm, well, apparently THIS: http://www.fanpop.com/spots/sex-and-sexuality/answers/show/106531/what-unicorn (and yes, I’ve read ‘Wide Awake’, which is an extremely well-written piece of fan fiction, especially the scene where the mythical unicorn is mentioned)… and THIS: http://boingboing.net/2007/09/07/baby-unicorns-in-sec.html (laughing somewhat hysterically now at the comments)… and let’s not forget THIS: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=unicorn%20sex (Honey! my pet unicorn can’t wait much longer!!) and THIS: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Operation%3A%20Unicorn-Sex.  ZOMG, dying now of laughter…

Let’s move on to dragons, shall we?

My ‘handle’ from early BBSing days has always been ‘ElliDragon’, started because people were having trouble spelling my elven persona (see below)… another friend on the system was BabyDragon and I thought it was cute and appropriate so I followed his lead and it stuck (though I also answer to ElliGoddess… really!!)!

My very favourite dragons come from Anne McCaffrey’s Pern series and what sexy dragons they are!  This site explains it nicely: http://io9.com/5378477/why-are-people-always-having-sex-with-dragons-in-science-fiction… and oh my yes, there is a sexual position to share with your favourite dragon… or dragon rider: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/positions/the-dragon-sex-position.  Who knew?

This may get a little weird in the explanation (if it hasn't already)… hmmmn…  When my sister and I entered scifi/fantasy fandom in the early ‘80s we "took on" alternate personae, depending on the genre, in order to more closely affiliate with the characters of our favourite book series.  Both of us were/are huge fans of Tolkien’s LOTR series and we still use the names we took as part of that fandom; she is known widely as Lothiriel Niniel (I honestly forget what that means, and she has added other names to that since then, though you’ll often see just “Lothie”), while I am known as Elliriel Galadh-Lithe (loosely translated as “Song Mistress of the Green Wood”) or more commonly, “Elli.”  When I go into other genres in fandom the name changes slightly, as in “Liriel Hastur” for the Darkover series, or Elliri, Masterharper of Pern.  Scifi/fantasy fandom has its own kinky weirdness, which you quickly get a sense of if you’ve ever attended a WorldCon.

Now… for us, it is simply personae that we take on for a limited time, much like roles in a play.  There are those out there who believe that they are indeed Otherkin, true elves, which I would think would play out as a definite form of kink, if not an interesting twist on Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

In any event, here’s what Tolkien had to say on his elves’ sex lives: http://www.ansereg.com/what_tolkien_officially_said_abo.htm  So, not much on the kink there... though fans of the books and the movies have certainly added some, if you care to look about.

For REALLY sexy elves, you need to look to Elfquest, my favourite graphic series: http://elfquest.com/gallery/OnlineComics3.html… the original series, volume 5, is perhaps my favourite elf sex of all time... the fact that Cutter and his band are Wolf Riders (and are actually part wolf, part elf) just adds a lovely kink factor :)

Hot, yes?

A couple of years ago, a colleague introduced me to the Twilight series.  She recommended them as good books for my then 10-year-old daughter.  Of course, I had to read them first, to be sure I approved of them before I turned them over to my sweet impressionable daughter (LOL), and I became hooked.  Not because of the author’s style (which frankly, is lacking), but because of the mythical characters of werewolf and vampire.  I was very intrigued by the world of mythos the author created for these two creatures.

Both werewolf and vampire creatures are associated quite strongly with sex… let’s look at werewolf first.  If you have sex with a werewolf, is it still considered bestiality?  http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080427055802AAAXsny.  Just for the fun of it, I also checked the Urban Dictionary for ‘werewolf sex’: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=werewolf%20sex

Roawr.

Now, vampires are known to be about the sexiest mythical creature going.  Look at all the popular series capitalising on that right now: Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, et cetera et cetera ad nauseam.  Oddly enough, I entered erotic literature by examining the fan fiction written around the Twilight series and still have favourite continuing stories in that genre that I keep track of (far better written than the original author in my opinion).  The stories that I have going online as a writing project are in fact based in that genre: http://www.fanfiction.net/~ellirielgaladhlithe.

If you check out my favourites list on that site, you’ll see where I started to gravitate towards slash and BDSM before I picked up other authors outside of the Twilight genre.  Yep, vampires inspire all sorts of erotic literature.

Hope you enjoyed the tour!

A little diversion never hurts...

Enough of the introspection for the time being... I mentioned I write, this excerpt is from "Hidden Morning," the bit I was writing when I was trying to decide whether I should pursue a female relationship.  It was interesting to go back and read parts of it more than a year later; the more things change, the more they stay the same...

Amy switched the TV quickly over to SpongeBob SquarePants when the boys came downstairs and walked outside to clear her head and grab the morning paper.  Dina was standing at her mailbox when Amy came walking up the driveway.

“Good morning, Amy,” Dina smiled as Amy reached her own mailbox.  Amy smiled back at her.

“Good morning, Dina.”  She reached into the mailbox and grabbed the paper, then looked back up to see Dina staring at her intently.  “What’s up?”

“Are you and Kiki getting together this morning?  It’s Thursday.”

“Yes, it is, and yes, we are.  Dina…” Amy trailed off, not sure how to say what she needed to.  Dina raised both of her eyebrows up significantly, so Amy took a deep breath and went on.  “Dina, Kiki and I talked about what happened last week, and while she doesn’t regret what you did, she doesn’t want it to happen again.  She and Jim are very happy with what they’ve got, and she doesn’t think that we can do what we’re doing without emotional consequences.”

“Oh? and what do you think?” Dina’s facial expression was smooth, untroubled.

“I think we can, and I want what we’ve started.  But Kiki doesn’t.”

“And she can’t bring herself to tell me this herself?”  Dina looked only quizzical, not hurt or even ruffled.

“Well, I think she was hoping it just wouldn’t come up again.  I’m just hoping to avoid a scene.”

“A scene?  What makes you think there would be a scene?  Is Kiki emotionally immature?  Do you think I am?”

“No, I just…” Amy wavered.  “I just thought you should know.”

“Well, thank you, love, but I think I would rather hear it from her.  Now, if you’d rather that I not join you two this morning, then please just come out and say so.”  Dina looked at her expectantly.

Amy wavered once again.  She missed Dina’s touch and wanted, no, needed to feel her again, but did not want to make her long-time friend uncomfortable.  “I want you to join us.  I just don’t think it would be a good idea.”

“Ever?”  Dina raised an eyebrow and cocked her head to one side.

She had a point.  How long could the inevitable be put off?  Eventually the two of them would have to face each other, and the sooner the conflict was resolved, the better.  Besides, it wasn’t really a conflict, was it?  Kiki would simply tell Dina to keep her hands to herself, and that would be that.

“Never mind.  Come.  Please.”  Amy blurted out, and Dina chuckled.

“I would love to.  I hope I do.” she said with a smirk, and turned back down her driveway towards her house.  Amy stood watching for a moment dumbly before she registered the little play on words, then laughed softly to herself as she went back inside.

The boys got through their morning routines and Amy trailed them down to the bus stop as usual, deep in thought.  How was she going to present this to Kiki?  Would Kiki be angry at this disruption of their Thursday routine?  The coffee klatch on Thursday mornings used to be bigger in attendance, but it had just been the two of them for the past year.

“Hey,” Kiki greeted her cheerfully, sipping on a mug of steaming coffee.  “How goes it?”

“Did you see the news this morning?  This is starting to get weird, two people missing now with no clues.”

“Yeah, I agree.  Weird.  I don’t know what to make of it.  I hope they’re okay, wherever they are.”

Amy nodded her agreement, then paused thoughtfully.  She decided to go for a blunt approach and just get it out there.

“Kiki, Dina’s going to join us again this morning for coffee.  She’s really looking forward to it.”

“I’ll bet she is,” Kiki returned dryly.  “Do you really think it’s a good idea, given what happened last time?”

“I do.  I know it’s just been us for awhile, but this thing on Thursday mornings used to be for all the women in our neighbourhood who were available at that time of the morning, and Dina seems to qualify.  I think we need to talk this all out, maybe set some ground rules…”

Kiki was looking at her sceptically.  “You were there and saw how it all went down.  Do you think she’s going to give us a chance to talk before she just works that magic again?  That stuff came out of nowhere!”

Amy found herself shrugging one shoulder as she admitted slowly, “I kind of told her how you felt about it.  I think she’ll be willing to talk first.”  She glanced at the children; none of them were paying any attention to the women’s conversation as they stood talking some distance away.  The bus showed up just then, and all of them waved to Amy and Kiki as they climbed aboard.

Kiki turned back to Amy after the bus had moved on.  “I have my reservations, but I suppose you’re right.  Just don’t expect me to be all sunshine and rainbows.  I’m having a bad week at work.”

“I’m sorry about that… we can talk more at coffee later.  I’m sure we’ll do plenty of talking.”  Amy was going to think positively about this situation.

The morning passed quickly, and before Amy knew it she was going to the front door to open it for her friends.

Both Kiki and Dina stood on the stoop, an almost palpable distance between them.  As soon as the door opened, Kiki fixed her eyes on Amy’s in a significant glare that only intensified as the silence grew more awkward.  Dina, for her part, looked a little too innocent as she smiled brightly at Amy while holding a covered plate in both hands.

Amy looked back and forth from one to the other for several moments, wondering what might have already taken place on the stoop, before straightening her shoulders and greeting the two women.  Time to grow a set.  “Well, hello!!  Why don’t you come in?  Coffee’s on!”

She held the door open for both as they passed her, then shut it and trailed them into the kitchen.  Kiki moved to transfer the coffee into a carafe, Amy to grab mugs, while Dina went straight to the table and distributed some delectable-looking muffins between three plates.  The three of them sat together at the table all on one bench, with Amy in the middle.

Amy poured the coffee for all of them and the women sipped and ate for awhile in silence before she felt compelled to comment on the muffins.  “These are awesome, Dina.  So moist!  What’s in them?”

“It’s a chocolate applesauce,” Dina replied.  “An old favourite recipe… haven’t had it in years.  You’re bringing all my old bakery skills to the forefront, it seems.”

Amy chuckled, then stiffened as Dina leaned forward.  “Kiki, Amy mentioned that there was something you wished talk to me about.”

Kiki stiffened now, her eyes looking sidelong at Amy.  She glared at her for a time before turning her stare on Dina.  “How do you mean?”                                  

Dina continued on, not bothered in the least.  “That you did not enjoy my touch.”  Her hand went to Amy’s knee and squeezed, then started rubbing lazy circles over the skin of her inner thigh.

“Well, that’s not exactly right.  It’s more that I don’t feel that I want to be going down that road with you.  You seem very nice… I just don’t want that interfere with what I have with Jim.”

“So you don’t want to do it with me.  Okay, I can accept that.”  Dina’s hand moved up to Amy’s crotch and she stroked her gently there, pressing one finger insistently on the seam of her pants.  Amy moaned, drawing Kiki’s attention.  “Does it upset you to see me touch Amy?”

“N-no…” said Kiki, her eyes suddenly glued to the hand in Amy’s crotch.  Dina sped up her movements and Amy moaned again, bucking her hips up into Dina’s hand.  Kiki licked her lips.

“Amy seems to be very excited…” Dina whispered for Kiki’s benefit and suddenly her hands were everywhere, teasing and coaxing Amy’s nipples to hardness, rubbing down her front to her crotch, unbuttoning her jeans, and slipping a hand inside her panties.  “Yes, she’s very excited… so wet for me…”  Dina began stroking Amy’s slit, one finger sliding down towards her entrance.  Amy’s hips bucked up again and she started moving rhythmically against Dina’s hand.  Dina’s finger pushed inside her and began to pump in and out.  She added a second finger and curled them slightly as she continued to pump her.

Amy could feel Kiki moving beside her and realized that her friend was rubbing herself roughly while watching Dina work.  She impulsively leaned over and caught Kiki’s mouth in a kiss, unable to stop a moan when Dina increased her speed again.  Kiki kissed her back, bringing her free hand up to cup her cheek while continuing to rub furiously at herself.  Her thigh was rubbing against Amy’s as she moved her hips against her hand.  Amy’s hips were still in motion too as she strained toward her release.

Dina was kissing up and down Amy’s neck with soft, open-mouthed kisses.  She whispered into Amy’s skin as she nuzzled her neck.  “Touch me, lover.  I need you to touch me.”

Amy brought her hands up to Dina’s breasts and cupped them through her thin sweater before running her hands underneath the sweater and bra and touching her soft skin directly.  She rolled Dina’s nipples between her fingers and pulled on them, causing Dina to gasp.  Dina’s nipples went hard beneath her fingers, and Dina brought one hand down between her legs to rub at herself.

“Ooohhhh… sit in my lap, love.  I want to feel your ass move against me while I fuck you.”  Dina grabbed Amy’s hips and helped her onto her lap.  Dina’s legs were spread so that the smaller woman was seated between them and Dina had full access to Amy’s crotch from behind.  She slipped her hand back inside Amy’s panties and pushed two fingers back inside her, curved up to rub the g-spot as she pumped them in and out slowly.  Amy rocked her hips back against Dina’s and they both moaned.  Kiki’s breathing became ragged nearby.

Dina then set a strong, steady rhythm and Amy’s hips matched her thrust for thrust, giving Dina needed friction as well.  They both started to moan and pant as they rocked together, causing Kiki to cry out and come as she watched them, her hips moving with abandon against her hand.

“Uuuhhhh… I’m so close…” Amy moaned as her head fell back against Dina’s ample chest.

“Me too, baby.  Just… oohhhh… touch your breasts for me.”  Dina’s free hand dug into Amy’s hip, guiding her movements.

Amy did as she was asked and the added stimulation sent her over the edge as Dina continued to pump her.  “Oohhh… aahhh… I’m coming!  Dina!”  She rode out her orgasm and felt Dina buck her hips once behind her and then stiffen and groan as she came as well.

All three women were gasping for breath and they slumped back against the padded bench.  Kiki looked a little self-conscious as her eyes met Dina’s over Amy’s head.

Dina smiled at her and arched an eyebrow in question.  “So have we reached a satisfactory… understanding, Kiki?”

Kiki gulped and nodded.  “Yes.  Yes, I think we have.”

“How’s work been this week for you two?”  Dina quipped as she helped Amy off her lap and straightened her clothing.  “It’s been a tough week at the hospital.”

Kiki stared at her in disbelief for a moment before answering.  “It’s been a tough week for me as well.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”  The three women lapsed into small talk as they finished their coffee and pastries as if that’s all they’d been doing here in this kitchen.  The pink elephant between them appeared to have been settled.