Help!! Help!! I'm being repressed!!

I grew up with my maternal grandparents sharing a very small house with our family... there were only two bedrooms, so my parents' bedroom was what should have been the dining room downstairs, my maternal grandparents had one of the bedrooms upstairs, and my brother, sister, and I shared the other bedroom.  Because of the crowded atmosphere, tensions could (and often did) ride really high, privacy was rather a joke, and I learned at an early age to Just Not Ask and Don't Tell in order to avoid a scene.

This is not to say that my childhood was necessarily unhappy... I know my parents did their best to provide everything they could, given the situation, and we children were always fed, clothed, sheltered, and tended to.  I have many happy memories.  But the emotional environment that was fostered there was largely toxic, and I still have scars... and triggers that send me places I'd rather not go...

In any event, I spent a lot of time trying to please the adults and to be thought of as a good little girl (hmmmm...), and didn't feel comfortable asking questions about things dealing with natural urges.  My sister and I are close in age and we spent a good deal of time exploring together in our pre-teen years, though we didn't really understand what we were doing at the time or why it felt good.  Mostly it was peeing in unconventional places as a thrill (NOT golden showers, which is a hard limit for me) and humping each other while talking about peeing or pooping (again, I have a hard limit about body functions now, but you have to understand that we didn't understand why rubbing in that area felt so good and could only equate it to body functions in our limited experience).  My brother was much younger than I, and we never interacted in that manner; in fact, we pretty much ignored each other except for the normal sibling stuff, despite the close living quarters.

I've been attracted to both males and females as long as I can remember, and had crushes on both genders as early as grade 6 (which I remember as a horrible year as my body started to change, the hormones hit, and I actually cried in school, such a social faux pas!).  Being rather a loner and not having many friends as a teen, however, I didn't feel that I could 'come out' to anyone or talk about how I felt, so by age 18, I felt rather gender-confused by it all.  I took to odd forms of dress at times, trying to find my niche, and still prefer to wear men's clothing rather than women's right down to the underwear (I wear bras, yes, but the sport ones!).

I married the first man I had sex with (Bis), as a moral obligation I think, though I did have feelings for him (and we are still good friends).  For some reason (perhaps he could never see me that way because of my parents?), he never wanted to experiment with me and forced us to have an open relationship so he could get his kink elsewhere.  We were VERY vanilla, as a matter of fact, and didn't really talk about it or what we might like; I was still made to feel uncomfortable even bringing it up.  In an interesting double standard, he encouraged me to have other relationships while he was off banging whatever looked female, and then turned around and told his best friend to keep his hands off!!!  He went through literally dozens of relationships in our six years together, whereas I had I think five, all of them close friends, of both genders, all vanilla, all initiated by the other person.  Bis was also foolish enough to do his fooling around completely unprotected, which (I found out later) caused me to become unable to conceive (certainly a good thing in the short term as far as the relationship was concerned).  We split and divorced when he took off with a 19-year-old bimbo who wanted him all to herself, no bitterness there haha... as I said, we are still good friends and recently had a nice chat at a mutual friend's party.

I met my current husband (Taz) at a gathering that Bis and I were hosting, though no sparks flew at the time.  He was a roommate of a friend (Ho), and I really had no dealings with him until my marriage to Bis came apart and I found it necessary to move.  Ho took me in, and so it was I ended up living in a bachelor flat with three men for several months as I struggled to put my life back together.  Eventually, Ho, Taz and I moved to a place for just the three of us... no romance, we just really clicked together... and it wasn't until many months later that Taz and I started anything.  We eventually did... and were married some time later... and many good things have happened from that, the greatest joys being the births of three happy, healthy children through the miracle of IVF.

In late 1999, Taz's father died, and Taz became deeply depressed.  His father had been an alcoholic, and so there were very many unresolved issues between the two of them.  I begged him to get counseling, but he refused.  Everything became coloured by his mood, and his response to life... "Whatever..."

... and more than eleven years later, this has not changed...

We exist pretty much as housemates now, though of course I still love him and we still have a family to raise.  He's gained a huge amount of weight, weighing well more than twice myself, and we gave up having sex a couple of years ago because "the parts no longer fit together."  Not that it was ever much, though I did get him to tie me down once... he was way too concerned about his ability to perform (or not) to do any real exploring, or even talking much about it.  I've begged, I've pleaded, I've cajoled, but he still won't go to counseling or accept any responsibility for the funk he's slid into.  Can't even really talk to him anymore about anything but the most basic of things, as it often seems to turn into an argument. :(

Where does that leave me? well, uuuhhh... repressed! once again, as if I were back to my childhood years...

Stopping here, more on this later...