Better late than never...

I’ve often been a ‘late bloomer’ on developing or understanding new things… walked late, talked late (I’m told it was because I didn’t want to make a mistake in front of anyone, which doesn’t surprise me, I still don’t!).  Because of the emotional baggage alluded to last post, it often takes me a long time to warm up to people and trust what they say.  I’m social in that I love to be ‘in the know’ and feel part of what’s going on, but only peripherally; I need to be able to ‘escape’ quickly if I need to.  I’m a watcher, not a do-er, until I feel comfortable enough.  Once I know how to be, though, and feel comfortable/secure, watch out!! hahaha… I’m told I’m a bit of a devil… *whistles innocently*

The point is… in my teens I was hopelessly confused.  In my twenties, I was constantly in change-up given what I was allowing to happen with myself and Bis, learning some things about myself but repressing other things as I threw myself into my work.  In my thirties… I was scrambling to put myself back together, taking my career in a new direction and starting a family.  In my forties… I’ve been dealing with raising a family and dealing with a spouse’s depression.  It’s not that sexual expression wasn’t ever important; it’s that the situations I found myself in were never conducive to exploration.  Further, I didn’t feel I could ever ask or explore safely…

My sister has been fairly promiscuous and ‘into the kink’ from the time she left home for college, and I’ve been very well aware of my parents’ take on that over the years; and so once again I’ve strived to be The Good Girl… to the point I couldn’t even bring myself to say that I was having sex with my own husband, so I once referred to it as saying ‘hi’ and it became a joke between my sister and me for years.  Do I make my point?

They say a woman’s sexual peak comes far later than a man’s, and I think I might be in the midst of mine (in terms of libido, anyway, certainly not activity!).  I discovered erotic literature a few months after Taz and I stopped having relations and I have developed several favourite authors in the genre, both online and on eBook/Kindle (I don’t dare keep paperbacks around).  My tastes in reading this have tended towards slash (usually m/m, I really have trouble dealing with the vulgar terms for female anatomy so don’t tend to read f/f) and kink (usually D/s).  It’s become my bed companion in a literal sense over time and has allowed me to explore what’s out there and learn safely, though of course without a real partner.

One thing I found in my reading that has become sort of a primer or a jumping-off point in my learning is a BDSM checklist.  Not that it’s necessarily all-inclusive, but it’s been a help in directing the start of my journey:

BDSM Checklist

Name:

Gender (e.g. male, female, M/f trans, etc):

Sexual orientation (e.g. straight, gay, bi):
Role preference (e.g. top, bottom, Dominant, submissive, switch):
Looking for (e.g. casual play, long-term relationship, etc):

In the following table, the "Exp." field should be checked if you've experienced the activity. The "CPO" field should be checked if you're willing to engage in the activity with a Committed Partner Only.

Level of interest: Like it a lot, Willing, Won't Object, Soft limit, Hard limit

BONDAGE

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Blindfolds
Bondage (light)
Bondage (heavy)
Bondage (multi-day)
Bondage (public, under clothing)
Leather restraints
Chains
Ropes
Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage
Rope body harness
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders)
Harnesses (leather)
Harnesses (rope)
Cuffs (leather)
Cuffs (metal)
Manacles & Irons
Gags (cloth)
Gags (rubber)
Gags (tape)
Gags (phallic)
Gags (ring)
Mouth bits
Full head hoods
Mummification/saran wrapping
Strait jackets
Sleepsacks
Spreader bars

CONFINEMENT/SUSPENSION

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Cages (locked inside of)
Cells/Closets (locked inside of)
Stocks
Suspension (upright)
Suspension (horizontal)
Suspension (inverted)

IMPACT/PERCUSSION

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Spanking
Flogging
Single-tail whips
Canes
Belts
Leather straps
Riding crops
Hairbrushes
Wooden paddles
Breast slapping
Breast whipping
Pussy/cock whipping
Slapping/Punching (back, buttocks, chest)
Strapping (full body beating)
Hair pulling
Face slapping

SEXUAL ACTIVITY

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Vaginal sex
Oral sex
Swallowing semen
Hand jobs (giving)
Hand jobs (receiving)
Anal sex
Anal plugs (small)
Anal plugs (large)
Anal plug (public, under clothes)
Anal beads
Figging/radishing
Vaginal dildo
Vibrator on genitals
Dilation
Masturbation
Fisting (vaginal)
Fisting (anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Speculums (anal)
Oral/anal play (rimming)
Double penetration (oral and vaginal)
Double penetration (oral and anal)
Double penetration (vaginal and anal)
Triple penetration
Forced homosexuality
Forced masturbation
Phone sex (serving Dom)
Phone sex (serving Dom's friends)
Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by)
Strap-on-dildos (sucking on)
Strap-on-dildos (wearing)
Group Sex
Outdoor sex
Orgasm control
Sexual deprivation (short term)
Sexual deprivation (long term)
Swapping (with one other couple)
Swinging (multiple couples)
Threesomes (two male, one female)
Threesomes (one male, two females)

SENSATION PLAY

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Abrasion
Scratching
Being bitten
Tickling
Kissing
Violet wand
Tens units
Zapping (e.g. electric fly swatter)
Ice cubes
Wax Play
Cupping
Fire cupping
Fire play
Drumming
Knife Play
Clothespins
Sensory deprivation
Hot oils (on genitals)

CUTTING/PIERCING/BODY MODIFICATION

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Cutting
Branding
Scarification
Tattooing
Injections
Piercing (temporary, play pierce)
Piercing (permanent)
Catheterization

BREATH PLAY

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Asphyxiation
Breath control
Choking

HUMILIATION

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Teasing
Humiliation (private)
Humiliation (public)
Verbal humiliation
Being spit on
Washing mouth out with soap
Objectification (art, furniture...)
Shaving (body hair)
Shaving (head hair)
Slutty clothing (private)
Slutty clothing (public)
Outdoor scenes
Public exposure

BODY-PART TORTURE

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Cock and Ball torture (male)
Gates of Hell (male)
Ball stretchers
Ball crushers
Riding the "horse" (crotch torture)
Nipple clips
Nipple weights
Nipple suction cups
Clit clips

FETISHES

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Feet
Boots
High heels
Chastity devices
Corsets
Masks
Cross-dressing
Gender-bending
Gas masks
Feathers
Fabrics
Lingerie
Lace
Nylon
Silk
Leather clothing
Rubber/latex/PVC clothing
Spandex clothing
Panties
Pantyhose
Uniforms
Pregnancy
Lactation
Food

GENERAL ROLEPLAYING

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Fear play
Fantasy abandonment
Kidnapping
Interrogation
Sleep deprivation
Rape
Gang bang
Whore play
Initiation rites
Religious scenes
Medical scenes
Prison scenes
Schoolroom scenes
Fantasy scenarios (pirates, aliens, vampires, bikers...)
Wrestling
Hypnotism
Mind Control
Feminization

SERVICE AND BEHAVIOUR

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Following orders
Forced servitude
Restrictive rules on behaviour
Eye contact restrictions
Speech restrictions (when, what, to whom)
Washroom restrictions
Kneeling
Crawling
Begging
Standing in corner
Learned postures
Rituals
Being given a new name
Lectures for misbehaviour
Physical examinations
Forced exercise
Forced dressing
Having clothing chosen for you
Having food chosen for you
Being fed
Wearing symbolic jewellery
Collars (worn in private)
Collars (worn in public)
Leashes
Chauffeuring
Housework (doing)
Manicures (giving)
Massage (giving)
Massage (receiving)
Licking (non-sexual)
Serving
Serving as a maid
Serving as waitress/waiter
Serving other doms (supervised)
Serving other doms (unsupervised)
Including others
Competitions (with other Subs)
Harems (serving w/other subs)
Supplying new partners for Dom
Given away to another Dom (for play)
Given away to another Dom (for training)
Given away to another Dom (permanent)
Consensual non-consent

VOYEURISM/EXHIBITIONISM

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Forced nudity (private)
Forced nudity (around others)
Exhibitionism (friends)
Exhibitionism (strangers)
Modelling for erotic photos
Video (watching others)
Video (recordings of you)
Voyeurism (watching others)
Voyeurism (your Dom w/others)

ANIMAL ROLEPLAY

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Puppy play
Pony play
Bestiality

AGE ROLEPLAY

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Age play
Infantilism (Adult baby, diaper lover)

BODILY FLUIDS AND FUNCTIONS

Activity	Exp.	Level of interest	CPO	Comments
Watersports/golden showers
Swallowing urine
Enemas
Brown showers (scat)
Serving as toilet
Blood
Menstruation

 

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