Boundaries of Affection

Yes, it’s dangerous when I think… LOL

My family was fairly non-demonstrative when I was growing up.  Immediate family hugged hello, hugged or kissed goodbye (kissing was NEVER on the lips!); when we were being tucked in we were kissed good night but that stopped when we began getting ready for bed by ourselves.  If we needed extra affection we asked for a hug; otherwise we rarely touched each other (except that fun sibling stuff).  When we met people outside the family we nodded hello or shook hands.

I don’t remember it being much different with my first marriage, other than learning to give my in-laws kisses on the lips in greeting.  It wasn’t until my second marriage that I realised I have issues with personal space.  I won’t go into specifics but let’s just say that I flinch badly when I’m touched under less-than-ideal conditions, not at all voluntarily, and that does not fly well with those who don’t know me well.  Now, that being said, if I’m prepared for being touched there’s no problem; I can turn off that switch, so that’s good.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy being touched; it has more to do ‘being in the moment’ as opposed to being out of sync… and I’m likely making no sense here.  More on that in a bit…

One of the elements I noted in my readings of erotic fiction was the boundary between one-night stands and relationships and what that meant for the acts of kissing, oral sex, and penetrative intercourse.  The characters who engaged in one-night stands often had a boundary that they would not cross to delineate casual versus committed relationships, and that boundary was evenly divided between open-mouthed kissing and the receiving of penetrative intercourse.  Oral sex however, seemed to be just fine… with no intimacy attached to the act.  I’m aware that many (including past US President Clinton) don’t include oral sex in the definition of sexual intercourse; I even appreciate that there’s a different level that is reached in penetrative intercourse not attained through oral, though I would have precious little practical experience to go by.

For whatever reason, oral sex just never happened in my world… I can count on one hand the times I gave it, and I was never on the receiving end.  Anal sex? nope, I’m still a virgin that way too.  The casual experiences I have had outside of marriage, as well as that within that contract, both male and female, have mainly consisted of penetrative vaginal intercourse.

Kissing, though?  The idea of kissing on the lips as a formal barrier between ‘casual’ and committed’… that I could assimilate easily into my construct of what boundaries were appropriate to draw between the two.  In my world, kissing on the lips is an extremely intimate act (open-mouth kissing even more so), only to be done for family and committed relationships.  That said, the ‘casual’ relationships during my first marriage were with very good friends, so yes… we kissed.

But in preparing for this world of kink?  It was very definitely a barrier.  Based on what I read, I accepted that kissing was ‘off the table’ and I was perfectly fine with that.  Welcomed it, even.

The first night that Daddy ended a chat with ‘Hug and kiss’… I stared at the screen stupidly for several moments before evading by typing ‘tight hugs’.  I just didn’t know how to respond.

He persisted though, not addressing it in any manner but to say it at the end of a chat session.  I continued to fumble.  Why?  Well, my perception of this limit… the fact that we had moved rather quickly… my mind was still spinning.

Now, he had warned me that he was orally fixated… and that he wanted only an exclusive relationship… so those should have been considerations for me.  They are now.  But I literally balked, right up until the time he actually kissed me when we were finally together, because it was that strong of a barrier for me.  I type it for him now.

My other big barrier has been that I need a long time to ‘warm up’ to people.  The physical relationships I’ve had (with the exception of one that went very, very badly) have been with people that I’ve known for some time.  I don’t do ‘hook-ups’ or ‘pick-ups’ with just anyone.

Bottom line? I’ve been warring with myself, a continuing process it seems as I seek to define what is acceptable outside of the absolute zero I am experiencing in the marital bedroom.  I will not leave my husband; we have too much between us despite the lack of sexual communication (which admittedly affects every other area of our life together, at least from my perspective).  I do not wish to hurt him, but I cannot go on as I have been, as it’s starting to leech into other aspects of my day-to-day in what I consider unacceptable ways.  My libido is just too high to ignore.

I am monogamous by nature, and I cannot separate emotions from the physical acts of sexual expression.  I can, however attempt to define and delineate those emotions, as I did in the past when I had those Bis-sanctioned relationships.  At least I hope I can continue to do so, as I’m aware that by giving my Daddy access to my sexual nature that emotions are going to come into play.

I am very careful about the word “love” as I believe it’s bandied about too much without due consideration.  There is the Love of a marital union (which should always be there or the two have no business being together).  There is the love I have for my children, my legacy, my future.  There is the love for family, both blood kin and extended relations.  And there is the love of friends who share a special bond, be it sexual expression or kindred souls.  My mother also taught me that there is “like” and that you can like someone without loving them (and conversely, love someone without liking them!! aka ‘obligatory love’).  I believe I have those classifications firmly in mind.  The last thing I would ever want to have happen is a “blurring” of those lines when/if sexual expression was to reach such a height that it ignited emotional response.

I’m also aware of the emotion and the dynamics of jealousy, and that my perceptions of a situation may well not be someone else’s.  I constantly have to check to be sure that my perceptions are valid, that I’m seeing a situation clearly.  I’m hampered in this by my inability to process many social cues in real time.  For those who are familiar with autism, I have been formally tested as falling within the spectrum, though I don’t care for the label.  I function well in society and at my chosen profession (which I am well-suited for, and I love what I do), and I have good friends.  If I am doomed to never having a fulfilling sexual relationship then so be it, but it won’t be for lack of trying to have it in a way I can live with.

I welcome discussions and alternative perceptions as I continue to process my journey.  There is so much I am learning about myself on the way to exploring what’s out there!!