Musings on the checklist

So… from that checklist and my readings, I managed to cull a small amount of realisations about my sexual nature, my kinks, and what I might wish to explore.  One of the first things I realised in reading more about BSDM was that I identified readily with being a submissive.  There is something about the whole mind-set and the giving over of control (while having a safeword) that just appeals to me.

Bondage… well, I mentioned that I did get tied down once!  Being bound and helpless (for me) is actually rather soothing as well as arousing, provided that it’s supervised and understood to be for a limited amount of time; I seriously doubt I could tolerate more than a few hours.

Sensory deprivation has always fascinated me.  In the early ‘80s the movie Altered States absolutely captivated me, and I subsequently spent a lot of time in small, dark closets trying to re-create the feeling of isolation the protagonist sought and was transformed by.  Some of my work with special needs populations has been with the sensory-impaired (blindness/deafness), and I have often used blindfolds and earplugs in order to better appreciate what they experience.

Pain… hmmmn… that has required much thought on my part.  In my early reading, I tended to cringe when the subject of pain came up.  I started to read about ‘subspace’, and all I could think about was dissociation, the separation of mind from body when reality gets to be too much.  It’s a psychological phenomenon I am only too familiar with, both in the clinical and in the personal sense (did I mention I have triggers? yep).  As I read more, though, I came to see that ‘subspace’ is much like that feeling I was chasing with the small, dark closets, that feeling of euphoria, and I stopped fearing it.  I also realised that I have used pain willingly, though more as a distraction device; I practiced cutting briefly in my teens and have actively sought some piercings more recently when going through some periods of angst.  I have yet to equate pain with sexual pleasure, but I’m willing to give it a go.

Gender preference? well, already kinked there, as I’ve mentioned.  Still attracted to both sexes, still prefer to dress as a male (though I can clean up pretty, I’m told!).

Candle wax… I really, really love candles, and have inadvertently spilled candle wax on myself on a number of occasions.  I’ve also tried a home waxing kit, not successfully but it was fun to play with.  I’m interested in exploring that more.

Really, I’ve always been of the mind that I’ll try anything once.  Lack of opportunity has kept me from doing things like skydiving and the like, but I consider myself fairly adventurous.  That said, I have been fearful of just running out and trying to ‘hook up’ with a Dom, knowing that there are real sexual predators out there and that I could easily get hurt or even killed by someone.  And of course, being married… up until lately, I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I would remain alone, that I didn’t deserve more.  More on that later.

Hard limits for me at this point?  Gags (I have a fear of not being able to breathe adequately).  Breath play.  Clamps/clothespins.  Anything involving body functions/excrement.  Torture.  Humiliation (had enough of that growing up, thank you).  The rest, I think, is negotiable… :)