Walking the Line 'Twixt Fire and Fear

Some time ago I mentioned my garage door’s ED problem.  The motor finally quit – on what was probably the coldest day of the winter – forcing me not only to have to climb out of my nice warm car to get it up and ease it down, but to have to really work for it in order to have it happen (reminding me of the times I needed to practically put on a floor show to get swimmers for the IVF procedures)!  I had to put up with that for a couple of weeks until FINALLY this past weekend a new implant was installed.  That’s one snatch-and-jerk I’m happy to be done with!

So last night I decided to play with fire and try out some wax dripping.  I had picked up several yahrzeit candles from the grocery store as well as a taller paraffin jar candle and had planned to alternate dripping with ice.  However, after falling asleep on the couch over my math assignment before finally finishing it and stumbling up the stairs, I forgot to bring ice up and was too embarrassed to come crawling back and try to get it with Taz sitting right there.  Ah well, next time, perhaps with some candles that have more of a bite.  White paraffin is a good beginner for hot wax, but I’m hoping to move beyond that after some more practice.

The session went really, really well… I wish it could have gone on for longer but it was already quite late and 4am comes early!  I started on an area that feels touch and pressure but not temperature or pain, just to get used to the idea of watching myself deliberately pouring the wax onto myself.

From there I moved farther up the leg and to the inside, eventually getting up to the groin.  From there I roamed across and was able to pour directly onto the clit area.  It felt wonderful… and yes, I took pics of that too, but not so ready to post those ;)

I kept it on for a bit then peeled it off and for the first time in a good while went to bed in only a nightgown, in order to better enjoy the sensitivity.  I was up for a bit after that… the kittens never stood a chance!

Speaking of candles, it is time to light a candle to mark the end of what might have been (?), but that – I believe – has died the good death.  My social experiment has ended; I had grown tired of trying to keep a relationship going and being shut down on every third email, so I decided to see what would happen if I simply… stopped.  I think after two weeks I have my answer.  Intermittent reinforcement only works so long; eventually the response is extinguished.  I’m sad it didn’t work out, as I felt it had potential; certainly I am grateful that, as painful as it was, he made me process my feelings concerning ‘taking it live’ and helped me to see how unhealthy being a sexual hermit can be.  But I gave it what I feel was my best shot at this time and it’s time to move on. 

Am I going to go running into anything else?  In a word, no.  Once again, any kind of trust I had about this sort of thing is shot; the idea of believing that someone could be patient enough for me to get past the fumbling has been made myth.  That said, I’m not going to give up and crawl back in my hole; I’m here to stay and I'm still keen to explore.  If someone approaches as a friend, takes the time, makes the connection and lets me find my stride, more power to that person!  I’d like to think I’m worth knowing.

I often laugh to myself that after this length of time, my hymen has probably grown back.  One thing I can say for sure, I have a good healthy set of pelvic floor muscles!  I had ordered some ben wa balls after reading about the benefits of regular use, and they were waiting in the post box for me when I checked today.  Shortly after I arrived home, I slipped them in… I’ve walked around, gone out and ran errands, sneezed, blew my nose… and no way are they coming back out by accident!! go me…