Food for Thought

When I first came to FetLife, I mentioned in my profile that the reason for the absolute zero activity in the marital bedroom was due to the fact that Taz is more than twice my weight and that ‘the parts don’t fit together anymore.’  Sadly true, though only part of the story; the reason for his extreme weight has as much to do with mindset as heredity.  He’s clinically depressed and has been for many years.

I was also quite a bit heavier a few years ago, first in being pregnant with twins (gaining more than I probably should have from the stress of a multiples pregnancy after having lost one before); slimmed down soon after but then rocketed back up for a good bit when Taz’s depression threatened to overwhelm me as well.  One day, though, I had finally had enough, enough of always being tired, of never having energy, of seeing the world through a shroud of grey, of feeling old before my time.

I dropped the weight, gaining a phenomenal amount of energy in the process, my libido came back in spades and my outlook on the world and my place in it vastly improved.  It was if I’d gained a new lease on life.  And that’s when the sex faltered and then stopped completely.  Yep, the parts definitely don’t fit, and he’s probably afraid of crushing me as well; I think there’s also a measure of intimidation by (or rejection of?) my ebullient nature and the changes he can see (hair and clothing, the ‘extra holes in the head’).  He was not at all taken with the tongue piercing and couldn’t understand why I would possibly want one.  Doesn’t even know about the nipples yet … ¬¬

So…

Twice now he’s tried to get on The Biggest Loser and failed (first time he wasn’t prepared for the length of the line waiting to get in for auditions, second time his sister backed out of a team idea).  Third time’s a charm, they say, and it looks as though he truly has a shot at it on this go-round as we recently discovered that one of his sisters has a professional connection with one of the trainers on the show and has agreed to help.  So, if this happens, it will mean perhaps up to three months of me running our household solo.  It might also mean that I get a dramatically re-finished hubby with potentially a whole new outlook on life.

Obviously, I’m not holding my breath praying for such a ‘quick fix.’  For one, he’s lost weight before… and then gained it all back and more.  And frankly, the horse has left the barn… now that I’ve started this path I’m on I’m not keen to turn back and deny the things I’ve discovered about myself.  I would love to see a little action on the home front; I think it would do much to improve communication between us but I’m not even sure it’s a guarantee after this length of time.

He pulled each of us into his audition video for the application just yesterday.  All of us want him to be around for the graduations, the weddings, and the grandkids.  I hope those dreams come true, at least.