Submission Personified

I'm being rather naughty this weekend, driving with an expired inspection sticker and trying not to draw attention to myself so I won't get pulled over.  Really, I did mean to have it done by the end of March! but time got away from me... and I knew I needed to get the windshield repaired first.  When I finally called to make the appointment, the earliest they could accommodate me is Monday... so here I am, the scoff-law, whistling innocently...

I subscribe to several groups on FetLife; easily the most prolific of these is “Submissive Women” which generates at least five (and often many more) new discussions a day about various aspects of submission.  What it is, what it is not… different “takes” on what it means to be submissive given the dynamics of a relationship.  All in all, usually very good food for thought as I learn and seek to define what I want.

I have struggled to put my own “take” on what submission is for me; whilst I have identified as being submissive since I started reading about it two years ago, I have definitely shied away from certain interpretations of it.  For instance, I know I could never accept it as a 24/7 exchange.  I feel the need to have very defined boundaries of when it is “on” and when it is “off”… and to be known as a person first, because I’m not going to ‘just bend over’ for anyone.

I have come to realise that the act of submission is as much a gift to myself as it is to my partner.  Being as driven and as *cough* anal-retentive as I am, turning over the reins does not come easily to me.  When I am able to do that, and feel comfortable doing it though, mmmmmmmmm…

Why am I not Dominant then, if I have such need for control?  Indeed, one would think it would be a perfect fit… except that having that kind of control and responsibility terrifies me, I'm afraid of missing a really important social cue and doing real damage to someone.  I’ve tried it a handful of times online; it’s a fun change-up with someone I know well but could never be a permanent dynamic for me.

Why not just simply Top and/or Bottom?  It’s all well and good on occasion, yes, but it’s really too vanilla for me; the dynamic is not intense enough.  In my reading of erotica over time, I’ve noticed I have a stronger positive response to the D/s dynamic.  I'm also realising that I'm far kinkier than the Top/Bottom dynamic would give me credit for and don't wish to 'settle.'

Flying solo in my sessions, of course, I don't need to settle.  Granted, it's also damn hard to submit to myself! so really the whole dynamic might be tabled, except that it's still the one I gravitate toward in my reading and... I'm not really in a vacuum in practice, now am I?  I still talk to others about the lifestyle and have hopes that one day I may physically experience it with another.

In the meantime, I continue to learn and to further define who I am and what I want...