I have stated that I am a solo act and that I am by nature monogamous. That is true, to a point. I have no current physical relationships with anyone, including my husband, whom I will not leave. I have been monogamous in the sense that when I have entered into a physical relationship, it has been with one person only. Whilst I have been asked to consider threesomes ~ and I remind the reader that I am bisexual by nature ~ I have not actually indulged in one since the mid-80s. Not that I am at all opposed to the idea with the right dynamic, just that it has not happened.
The fact that I would even consider a physical relationship beyond my marriage has a lot to do with the first Dom I spoke with. When I first joined FetLife I figured that I would just be listening and learning, but not doing anything. I was reasonably content with my solo ministrations and my erotica. After some long late night discussions, I came to understand, if not fully internalise, that I was doing myself a disservice by not having an intimate connection ~ a way to pull close to someone and drop a cover, however briefly, over the rest of the world for some private 'us' time to re-charge the batteries so to speak.
Well, that does require having another person involved doesn't it... I warred with myself for some time over the fact that that person no longer seemed to be Taz. We still have a relationship and a marriage, yes, but it is as two friends, nothing more. There is no spark, no romance, no sexual interaction of any kind beyond my occasional tries. And yet, I will never leave him... he deserves to have a life partner who will be there for him even if he no longer desires the physical.
Can I tell him about all of this? No, I don't feel I can. The reader may disagree with me here, but truly... unless you've walked in my shoes you cannot judge me. You cannot know what I've done, what I've been through. You cannot know how I've tried.
So, where does this leave me? I am not one to run out there and go for the 'one night fling.' It is not easy for me to navigate the social scene, and I am not one for 'casual' relationships. Yet... I cannot ask for exclusivity either, since I can't give myself 'wholly' to another. The best I can hope for is a relationship that may last for a long time, but where I must share attention with other competing relationships, hoping that what I have to offer is enough to continue to justify the bond. I cannot become jealous or 'needy'; I must have other outlets for that.
This isn't a 'poly' thing; my understanding of poly is that all parties know and interact with each other on some level. I can't ever let that happen. Couldn't bear to be in the midst of it when the inevitable conflict occurred.
Truly, it's enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and deny that I need any type of connection. But I already know that that's not healthy nor right... and besides, too late! I do have connections.
I have a kindred spirit in kink, a fellow sub with whom I can share everything. Such a give-and-take is very rare and precious; I consider myself very fortunate to have this relationship.
There is an occasional connection by chat and phone with a sadistic Dom with a terrific commanding voice who can send me 'there' with a few simple commands. He reads my blog and takes me to task for posting the pictures that I do... as much as he loves seeing them... it's a funny kind of relationship that works because I don't expect anything from it.
In both cases I need to stay sharply aware that I cannot let my heart rule my head. I know that I cannot be the be-all and end-all for either of them; both have needs I cannot possibly satisfy. The reverse is true as well.
Complicated, eh?
In RT... well... there've been a couple of people who've expressed interest in meeting up with me at a local Munch. Another whom I may be meeting for coffee in a couple of weeks. Nothing that I'm hanging my hopes ~ or my heart ~ on. I can't afford to, and after the experiences I've had this year ~ and in the past ~ my trust in human nature is pretty damn low if not non-existent. It's just best if I have no expectations other than hoping that I will eventually make a connection that will be the basis of a mutually beneficial relationship.
The heart? Well, the heart will just have to fend for itself.
Human nature is a damn strange thing; we are basically social animals, but once in a group must always find one to put apart, to ostracize, and pick on...makes no sense to me, never has.
ReplyDeleteMy job has me talking to people all day, and i'll tell ya, it's a good thing i've learned how to fake it! i wish you a ton of luck, kazi, finding someone to interact with is never easy, and finding friends is even harder. Cheers!
There are lots of us in similar situations. We understand the dilemmas. Glad to see you are level headed in your dealings.
ReplyDeleteI remember what it felt like to be starved for connection. I remember the anguish as I puzzled over what I would do. You are right - no one is in a place to judge you even if they have been in a similar situation. We make our own choices. My sincere hope for you is you will find what you need. I did and I am gratfeul for it.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your thoughts! I'm surrounded all day by those who would pass judgment, who don't know my 'dark side' so it gets to be quite isolating after awhile. I can't say I'm ostracised... I have several good vanilla friends and a good social network. Just that none of that helps me in the relationship department. It's helpful knowing that others walk the same path.
ReplyDelete~Kazi
I agreed with much of what you have written here. What I don't agree with, I really have no leg to stand on in putting an opposing view as I have not lived your life. I guess what I am saying is that I would not agree with it..for me.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I applaud your courage in facing yourself and admitting what you have written down here. Many do not have the strength to let these observations and feelings out.
Thank you, dear sir... I can guess where we would differ and I absolutely respect that viewpoint. I see the threads on Fet all the time and I can't deny that the guilt eats at me at times; I was cheated on, after all, and remember that pain well.
ReplyDeleteI have told him time and again that I need... more. I've begged him to go to counseling. He's seen the vibrators, he's seen the rope dammit... I've let him know how long it's been. I've draped myself all over him and gotten pretty damn suggestive. He's not stupid... far from it. But he treats it as the Elephant in the room... and so must I.
i have lost your yahoo name...give it to me elle...T
ReplyDeleteAdd me to your yahoo..my comp got swiped clean..is more of what I meant to say....miss you....T...add..tie_her_spank_her_train_her
ReplyDelete